This is me

So over the journeys I been on.  Painful and growing that they have been.  One thing always comes across my path.  Everything needs to have balance.

And I am not good at that.  I try to take the advice of "Show how you feel"  but then hear "But not too much".

So the question I have been thinking about lately is, do I love and care and feel how I was made to?  Or do I hide it?  Everything I hear in contrary to one another.

This world right now says "Be myself, and anyone who doesn't love you for you, can.....(something not very nice".

I wish it was just that easy for me.  I WISH I was not Lindsay sometimes.  But I also like the part that loves unconditionally.  Among other things.

I have no lesson I have learned.  I am still broken.  But I am ok.  Better than ok.

First of all.  I want people a part of my life.  This person that loves, is not going anywhere.  I am not changing that.  I like making people feel good, or cared about, valuable. I want EVERYONE to feel that.  I fail sometimes.  

I am messed up.  Even after all the steps and processes I have taken to get better.  I am human.  I am learning that.

I am going to be me.  If others think I have ulterior motives for my actions.  Ok.  I know the truth.

I AM going to keep being Lindsay.  But I am realizing I can mess up.  Not one person in this entire world knows my heart, so I can't blame them if they see things they shouldn't.

I am just going to try and be better.  Care, and keep going.  And when I fail.  Or let someone down, not to let it devastate me.  To know if in my heart, I meant it for the betterment of others.  Well, then I move on.  That is tricky for me.  I hurt too easily and too much.  Right now, when someone hurts me I can act skittish and scared to be myself.

Basically, I am learning.  We all are.  I am just more open about it.  But I signed up to do that when I started writing.  I know some think this blog is narcissistic and silly.  Maybe.  But it helps me.

And I matter.  Almost as much as you do.  I hope I can make you feel that some day.  Because that is who I am.  I know who I am.  I am proud of who I am and what I am becoming.  But I fail all the time.  Forgive me.  I am trying to embrace and forgive myself daily.

This is me.  A beautiful failure trying to make a difference for the better.

I Wanna Fight

People are...... surprising.  I have always been quite good at reading people.  Seeing though and into people's hearts.  It is a gift.  Do not mean to brag.  I am just good at it.  Maybe because I pay attention better than most. I do not know.   But even for people who do not see hearts as clearly as I do, there are times in life when it is made crystal clear who cares and who does not.  For example, when life gets difficult, people tend to show their true colors as friends.

I am nervous to write this.  I am not pointing any fingers.  But something keeps striking me and I want to write about it.  Maybe I am wrong.  But I have to try and throw it out there.  Not like many read this anyway.

It is times of tragedy that people truly show how much they care.  Through the horrific time I went through (yes, people, PAST TENSE NOW :) !!!) the past year, the people that stepped up were not necessarily the ones I expected to.  Not that these friends I have realized I can rely on, are not wonderful, but I did not realize the connection and compassion they felt towards me.  And maybe, to be full time honest, I was expecting more out of others that did not.  

Sadly.  If I am being truthful.  The people I thought would be there through thick and thin, who would fight for me the hardest, left me be the waste side.  I am not saying I deserve to be fought for.  Quite the contrary.  I have been a special order selfish beast, quite often, this past year.  But on the other hand.  I was also hurting beyond imaginable.  And needed people to step out of their comfort zone and fight for me.  And I have been blessed and amazed by those that have and still do fight for me.  It humbles me.  I do not deserve it.  I pray and hope that if ever the opportunity arises, I can show that kind of love and support to those in my life.

I am grateful for those that are always there, no matter what.  And not only that, the ones that make the effort to ask and actually BE THERE, even and especially when it is not easy.  Even if it seems to be unwanted.  These people push through and make me feel loved.  Even though I am just simply an awful, mean person sometimes.  They brave the witchy Lindsay.  Call me on my BS,  and in the end I am filled with thankfulness beyond compare.  To take time out of their busy, crazy schedule to prove the love and compassion they have been gifted with.  These people changed my life.

Then there are others.  Who are still friends.  Friends that are nice when we happen to see each other.  But do not make the effort when tragedy strikes.  Will come and go.  And we do need those people, too.  This life needs all kinds to fill it.  But I want to make an effort to be better.  To be like those people that made a difference in my life.  The ones I will never, ever forget.  Changed my heart to see the light.  God used them.  Whether they know it or not.

I would much rather have those friends that prove themselves in difficult times.  Even if you have only known them a short while.  Or years, and see them once or twice a year.  Or once a week, but they truly care and pay attention instead of making it routine to ask "How are you?".

I want to be that friend.  It is my goal to be that person.  To really love and show it.  When it is uncomfortable.  Especially.  Because it is that person that God uses to heal others.  And I would not have made it out of the dark hole without the people that truly cared.  And proved it.

I think you know who you are.  I am not brave enough to list.  In case I forget or offend.  But I think those that made the effort, know.  And I thank you and I love you.  You have inspired me.

It is Time

4 months.  Since I last wrote.  And what a four months it has been.  But it is time.  It is time to write. I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.  Not even close.  Most of you know some of the reasons why. But no one knows all of it.

Let's be real.  My twin sister, Jacqui, had her first beautiful child in November.  Theodore Robert Christianson, or as I called him Teddy Bear.  I was instantly in love.  And we knew before he was born, he had CHD (Congenital Heart Disorder).  Issues with his heart that would make life not the easiest.  But, we are/were thankful to have him.

Even though I did not get to see and visit him as often as I should have, I have never loved someone so purely in my entire life.  But, it hurt to see him.  He had all these tubes and machines connected to him, most of the time.  That was hard to take in.  So like a huge pansy ass, I would hide from seeing him.  Selfishly, so I wouldn't hurt.  But here is the thing.  He was the most beautiful and joyful child I have ever seen.  I got smiles from him.  Saw him giggle.  And for his age, it is amazing.

But, devastatingly, a week ago, at 11 weeks old, we lost Teddy Bear.  I was/am shattered.  To see my sister and brother-in-law go through this is almost more than I can handle.  He wasn't even mine, and the pain I feel is excruciating.  I cannot imagine what they are feeling.  I have tried to be strong for them and my parents, but have failed.  I run away when the pain gets too much.

Last night, I broke down.  Yes, other things contributed.  But this is the majority.  If you have read other blogs, you know I have been dealing with a severe depression.  I admit, I have distanced myself from God.  Have not been to church in months.  It hurt too much to be there.  I still believe everything, Jesus is still my Savior.  But I just couldn't.  I walked away. Yup.  Shameful.

And last night, I couldn't breathe.  I think you could call it Rock Bottom.  I wondered if it was my fault Teddy left us.  Because I have walked away from God.  I have tried to use other things for comfort.  Earthly things.  People.  Entertainment. Food.  Etc.  And I KNOW none are what God says will help.  But God seems so far away and that He had abandoned me, like I did Him.  But none of it was working.

I had broken through my depression recently.  My LOUD cackle had reappeared.  God brought two AMAZING new friends in my life.  Then the worst thing that anyone could imagine.  Work was fine,  I adore my administration.  The people there make me happy to go to work.  I thought things were on the up-swing.  Then this.

I knew I wasn't strong enough for this.  But I tried to be.  Pretend.  Not look "weak" to those around me.  But last night, it all became too much.  I BROKE DOWN.  To the point where I actually was talking and yelling at God.  It was too much.  Praying that the pain would be gone.  No still, small voice.  I decided I would take today off of work.  Focus on the things that helped me.  Writing.  Sleeping. Exercising.  Reading.  Jimmy Fallon.  Rekindling my prayer life.  And so that is what I did.

It worked. I feel better.  I see the good in my life.  Getting to know Teddy.  Having a job.  Wonderful friends.  Family that loves me.  And even when my little Ella car got backed into by a giant truck today, I was thankful we both had insurance and no one was hurt.

I have made a conscious decision that I will move forward.  I am allowed to feel.  God made me this way for a reason.  But no more dwelling.  No more wallowing.  I may go back to church soon.

I am going to be ok.

The Struggle: Faith, Hope, and Love

The last few months have been the hardest of my life.  That is not a secret.  I did things I never thought I would do.  The biggest one is I stopped talking to God.  Never in all my blessed life did I think think I would be capable of that.  Which is pretty prideful.  Thinking I was so spiritually untouchable that my faith could not be shaken.  Yet, here I sit.  The biggest sinners and failures I know.  But even still, God continues to love me.
As with everything, I have made my struggles public on this blog.  But it has been awhile since I wrote anything.  Not because I am hiding, but because I have been struggling so much and been so broken that I could not find the words to write.  All of my energy has gone into getting through the day without breaking down or causing someone else to feel worse pain.  Some days I made it, others I did not.
As I think about the last months it came to me why this struggle has been more real and harder than any other I have faced before.  Three things that I have done well most of my life are to have faith, hope, and love in my life.  This may sound preachy or arrogant.  It is not.  This is who God made me, and anyone who knows me just a little will attest to that.  If you don't, well that is not my problem.  There are other areas of spirituality where I struggle incredibly, but with these three attributes I have always held onto for dear life.  Until recently.  Devastatingly, I lost all of those things.
I believe this is the reason I fell so deeply in to this depression.  It is my belief that these three go hand in hand.  To work properly, they have to work together.  And they are needed to live a life fully for God.
I have always been a person with so much love to give.  And because of that, I also desire to be loved greatly.  Very often, I have not been able to share my love with people to the extent I feel it.  And I have learned to be okay with that.  I would hold onto hope that someday I would be able to use this gift and I had faith God would take care of me.  See how that works?  All together.  But some point last year, I started losing hope that everything would someday be better.  As more and more trouble piled on, it would steal my hope away.  I felt a fool trusting God when all it seems is that life was just getting worse.  So my faith started to diminish as well.  And it became a spiral.  As I fell deeper into this hole of darkness, I would lose more hope and faith that God would ever rescue me, especially since He could see how dark and painful it was for me and not do anything about it.  I would think "I thought He is supposed to rescue His children in time of need, yet He isn't, so what is the point?"  I would get angry.  And there is no love to be had in this state of mind.  So it just kept getting darker. To the point where there was nothing of my former self left.
It was not until recently, with the help of professionals and support of loved ones, that I can look back and see what happened.  Thankfully, I got the push to get help, even if I have hated every step of it.  And as I process and think, it has come to me that the three things needed to live a life of Joy in Christ were gone from my heart.  And this is the reason I struggle so much.
I am not saying I have reached the point I need to be.  I still do not have the faith, hope and love I had before.  I am still struggling.  It is still so very painful.  But little by little, the fog is lifting and I am climbing out of this hole towards the light.  As painful as it is, I am trying to love, hope and have faith again.  Because without them, I am not Lindsay, the child of God He intends me to be.

Roller Coaster Ride

I used to love roller coasters.  LOVE them.  My favorite were the rickety old wooden ones.  The anticipation of climbing up and the thrill of dropping down the hill was my favorite part.  I could handle the ones that flipped you upside down, but they were not my favorite.  I think because you could not see what was coming next.  But still, fun.
But then, sometime in college roller coasters did not appeal to me so much anymore.  My sister and I went with our church college group to Magic Mountain and we both got pretty sick after one.  I am not sure if it was the ride, the heat, the food or a mixture of all three. But every since then, I can not stomach them as well as I used to.  I will still go on them and enjoy them, but I have to be careful and take my time with how many and how often.
Don't worry, there is a point to this.  I realized today that I am on the worst and most sickening roller coaster I have ever been on right now.  Every time I think I know what is coming or that I am safe, I get thrown for a loop.  I felt the slightest bit of hope the other day.  I do not understand it.  When I see/feel a little relief it is only fleeting.
I am so tired of this ride.  I hurt from being jerked around so much.  I am sick from the ups and downs.
And yes, I know this is a metaphor that only works so far.  Roller coasters are supposed to be fun.  But this one is not.  And I am sorry for writing so negatively lately.  But I am trying to document accurately.  So that if I do finally make it off this ride, I can remember what I came through.
My solution to this roller coaster is to try and act as mellow as possible.  To look as though I am calm and collected.  So that way my pain does not spread.  But on the inside I am crying and screaming.  But I can not and will not be a burden.  I know everyone says I am not.   But.  To try and explain what is going on to people feels like complaining and also that I am beating a dead horse.  It also makes the pain more intense, since they can not understand 90% of it.  Not because others have not been here, but because we all feel things differently.  I can't explain my pain.
And yes, I should pray.  But here it is.  The end all of what I thought I was.  I can't talk to God right now.  That is part of this ride.  I just can't.  I am angry.  And hurt by Him.  For not coming to my rescue sooner.  And don't tell me the cliches about Him being there no matter what happens.  And that it is in His timing.  I know all this.  A little part actually still believes it.  But I can't face it right now.  It hurts too much.  I feel betrayed.  There it is folks.  My faith is gone.  Real talk.
I know this one is sad and volatile.  Oh well.  I am not here to hide anything.  

Epically Sucks

No one said this road was going to be easy.  Quite the opposite.  But still, foolishly, I thought when I finally put into motion getting help for my depression things would get slightly better. Unfortunately, things have gone the other way.  If anything, my heart has gotten heavier and facing the day is harder.  I am sure starting back at work and the stress of that does not help.  But still.  This epically sucks.

I need prayer.  It is really the only reason I am writing this.  To be frank, I am angry and hurt at God.  And am having a very difficult time speaking with Him.  So maybe my friends and family can do it on my behalf.  Hopefully He will listen and move somehow.

Right now, my heart is in a shambles.  I cry all the time.  Know if you feel that way.  You are not alone.

And I am not giving up.  Even though the doubt of ever feeling better is much stronger than the hope.  There really is no other option than to keep moving forward.  

My Dark Confession: The Aftermath

It has only been a few days since I made my most secret of confessions of suffering from depression.  And I will admit, I am shocked at the response I have gotten.  First of all, that blog entry has been my most read by far.  I do not know why, but I choose to believe it is because people are relating or care about me and want to know what is going on.  Secondly, I am surprised at who has approached me, whether through text, online, or in person to let me know they read it and are fighting this with me and even some to say they struggle too and want me to know I am not alone.  I am also surprised by those who have not reached out, but there is no need to dwell on that.  I am choosing to focus on those in my corner.

The whole reason I am being so public about this is because I want to push the idea that it is okay to talk about this type of struggle.  To help everyone understand what this is and maybe even help understand how to help those in your life going through it.  Every struggle is different for each person.  But loving is the same.

To start I will try to explain what is going on in my mind and heart and why I finally came to the place to decide to get help.  Some things I have mentioned before.  And you may never understand it unless you go through it yourself.  I pray you never have experience this, though.  I mentioned last time, this kind of pain is "it hurts to live pain".  That is the easiest way to put it. I wake up with this ache in my heart that is constant.  I try to push it away, focus on the good, but because of the chemicals in my brain right now, it is nearly impossible to do that.  Every little thing throughout the day that reminds me of hurt and pain is a massive hit to my heart.  It is not simply a lack of faith or positive thinking.  It is as a real medical issue.  This did not happen because I am sad by my circumstances.  Logically, I know I am blessed beyond measure.  I am not in a depression because I am still single, my job is frustrating, hardships I see my family and friends are going through, being lonely, losing friends, etc.  Yes, all those things have happened in my life this year and do effect me.  But it is not why I am struggling with depression, they are just factors that enhance it.  Others in my place may have been able to deal with those things and still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  That is the struggle I am dealing with.  It is hard for me to see a light.

With all of those factors going on my life right now, I FINALLY realized I have to get better so I can be strong for those suffering around me.  If I did not get better, I would not only be worthless to my family and friends who need me, but also, I will not be the person God intends me to be, to be to share His love.  There have been days when I could not get out of bed because of the overwhelming pain. How could I live for God?  So I was pushed to the point where I have to face it.  I believe God is behind that.

So.  You may wonder how to interact with someone like me, dealing with a similar issue.  It is likely different for each person.  But I do believe you can't ignore it.  I know.  It is SO DIFFICULT to talk about things like this.  And they may blow it off or deny it.  But deep down, they know you care and SEE them.  That makes a difference.  Keep trying.  For me, specifically.  You can talk to me about it.  Obviously, I am being public about this.  I will likely cry.  But, oh well.  Better than hiding my heart like I have for so long.  Hug me if you want.  Or just tell me you are praying for me.  That you are cheering me on.  Ask questions.  I do not mind.  I will be honest.  So be prepared.  But I would rather more people know and be comfortable talking about this type of thing rather than shirking around it.  So maybe, slowly but surely, the idea that this type of struggle is shameful will melt away.  So more people will see the light and feel God's love.