This is me

So over the journeys I been on.  Painful and growing that they have been.  One thing always comes across my path.  Everything needs to have balance.

And I am not good at that.  I try to take the advice of "Show how you feel"  but then hear "But not too much".

So the question I have been thinking about lately is, do I love and care and feel how I was made to?  Or do I hide it?  Everything I hear in contrary to one another.

This world right now says "Be myself, and anyone who doesn't love you for you, can.....(something not very nice".

I wish it was just that easy for me.  I WISH I was not Lindsay sometimes.  But I also like the part that loves unconditionally.  Among other things.

I have no lesson I have learned.  I am still broken.  But I am ok.  Better than ok.

First of all.  I want people a part of my life.  This person that loves, is not going anywhere.  I am not changing that.  I like making people feel good, or cared about, valuable. I want EVERYONE to feel that.  I fail sometimes.  

I am messed up.  Even after all the steps and processes I have taken to get better.  I am human.  I am learning that.

I am going to be me.  If others think I have ulterior motives for my actions.  Ok.  I know the truth.

I AM going to keep being Lindsay.  But I am realizing I can mess up.  Not one person in this entire world knows my heart, so I can't blame them if they see things they shouldn't.

I am just going to try and be better.  Care, and keep going.  And when I fail.  Or let someone down, not to let it devastate me.  To know if in my heart, I meant it for the betterment of others.  Well, then I move on.  That is tricky for me.  I hurt too easily and too much.  Right now, when someone hurts me I can act skittish and scared to be myself.

Basically, I am learning.  We all are.  I am just more open about it.  But I signed up to do that when I started writing.  I know some think this blog is narcissistic and silly.  Maybe.  But it helps me.

And I matter.  Almost as much as you do.  I hope I can make you feel that some day.  Because that is who I am.  I know who I am.  I am proud of who I am and what I am becoming.  But I fail all the time.  Forgive me.  I am trying to embrace and forgive myself daily.

This is me.  A beautiful failure trying to make a difference for the better.

I Wanna Fight

People are...... surprising.  I have always been quite good at reading people.  Seeing though and into people's hearts.  It is a gift.  Do not mean to brag.  I am just good at it.  Maybe because I pay attention better than most. I do not know.   But even for people who do not see hearts as clearly as I do, there are times in life when it is made crystal clear who cares and who does not.  For example, when life gets difficult, people tend to show their true colors as friends.

I am nervous to write this.  I am not pointing any fingers.  But something keeps striking me and I want to write about it.  Maybe I am wrong.  But I have to try and throw it out there.  Not like many read this anyway.

It is times of tragedy that people truly show how much they care.  Through the horrific time I went through (yes, people, PAST TENSE NOW :) !!!) the past year, the people that stepped up were not necessarily the ones I expected to.  Not that these friends I have realized I can rely on, are not wonderful, but I did not realize the connection and compassion they felt towards me.  And maybe, to be full time honest, I was expecting more out of others that did not.  

Sadly.  If I am being truthful.  The people I thought would be there through thick and thin, who would fight for me the hardest, left me be the waste side.  I am not saying I deserve to be fought for.  Quite the contrary.  I have been a special order selfish beast, quite often, this past year.  But on the other hand.  I was also hurting beyond imaginable.  And needed people to step out of their comfort zone and fight for me.  And I have been blessed and amazed by those that have and still do fight for me.  It humbles me.  I do not deserve it.  I pray and hope that if ever the opportunity arises, I can show that kind of love and support to those in my life.

I am grateful for those that are always there, no matter what.  And not only that, the ones that make the effort to ask and actually BE THERE, even and especially when it is not easy.  Even if it seems to be unwanted.  These people push through and make me feel loved.  Even though I am just simply an awful, mean person sometimes.  They brave the witchy Lindsay.  Call me on my BS,  and in the end I am filled with thankfulness beyond compare.  To take time out of their busy, crazy schedule to prove the love and compassion they have been gifted with.  These people changed my life.

Then there are others.  Who are still friends.  Friends that are nice when we happen to see each other.  But do not make the effort when tragedy strikes.  Will come and go.  And we do need those people, too.  This life needs all kinds to fill it.  But I want to make an effort to be better.  To be like those people that made a difference in my life.  The ones I will never, ever forget.  Changed my heart to see the light.  God used them.  Whether they know it or not.

I would much rather have those friends that prove themselves in difficult times.  Even if you have only known them a short while.  Or years, and see them once or twice a year.  Or once a week, but they truly care and pay attention instead of making it routine to ask "How are you?".

I want to be that friend.  It is my goal to be that person.  To really love and show it.  When it is uncomfortable.  Especially.  Because it is that person that God uses to heal others.  And I would not have made it out of the dark hole without the people that truly cared.  And proved it.

I think you know who you are.  I am not brave enough to list.  In case I forget or offend.  But I think those that made the effort, know.  And I thank you and I love you.  You have inspired me.

It is Time

4 months.  Since I last wrote.  And what a four months it has been.  But it is time.  It is time to write. I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.  Not even close.  Most of you know some of the reasons why. But no one knows all of it.

Let's be real.  My twin sister, Jacqui, had her first beautiful child in November.  Theodore Robert Christianson, or as I called him Teddy Bear.  I was instantly in love.  And we knew before he was born, he had CHD (Congenital Heart Disorder).  Issues with his heart that would make life not the easiest.  But, we are/were thankful to have him.

Even though I did not get to see and visit him as often as I should have, I have never loved someone so purely in my entire life.  But, it hurt to see him.  He had all these tubes and machines connected to him, most of the time.  That was hard to take in.  So like a huge pansy ass, I would hide from seeing him.  Selfishly, so I wouldn't hurt.  But here is the thing.  He was the most beautiful and joyful child I have ever seen.  I got smiles from him.  Saw him giggle.  And for his age, it is amazing.

But, devastatingly, a week ago, at 11 weeks old, we lost Teddy Bear.  I was/am shattered.  To see my sister and brother-in-law go through this is almost more than I can handle.  He wasn't even mine, and the pain I feel is excruciating.  I cannot imagine what they are feeling.  I have tried to be strong for them and my parents, but have failed.  I run away when the pain gets too much.

Last night, I broke down.  Yes, other things contributed.  But this is the majority.  If you have read other blogs, you know I have been dealing with a severe depression.  I admit, I have distanced myself from God.  Have not been to church in months.  It hurt too much to be there.  I still believe everything, Jesus is still my Savior.  But I just couldn't.  I walked away. Yup.  Shameful.

And last night, I couldn't breathe.  I think you could call it Rock Bottom.  I wondered if it was my fault Teddy left us.  Because I have walked away from God.  I have tried to use other things for comfort.  Earthly things.  People.  Entertainment. Food.  Etc.  And I KNOW none are what God says will help.  But God seems so far away and that He had abandoned me, like I did Him.  But none of it was working.

I had broken through my depression recently.  My LOUD cackle had reappeared.  God brought two AMAZING new friends in my life.  Then the worst thing that anyone could imagine.  Work was fine,  I adore my administration.  The people there make me happy to go to work.  I thought things were on the up-swing.  Then this.

I knew I wasn't strong enough for this.  But I tried to be.  Pretend.  Not look "weak" to those around me.  But last night, it all became too much.  I BROKE DOWN.  To the point where I actually was talking and yelling at God.  It was too much.  Praying that the pain would be gone.  No still, small voice.  I decided I would take today off of work.  Focus on the things that helped me.  Writing.  Sleeping. Exercising.  Reading.  Jimmy Fallon.  Rekindling my prayer life.  And so that is what I did.

It worked. I feel better.  I see the good in my life.  Getting to know Teddy.  Having a job.  Wonderful friends.  Family that loves me.  And even when my little Ella car got backed into by a giant truck today, I was thankful we both had insurance and no one was hurt.

I have made a conscious decision that I will move forward.  I am allowed to feel.  God made me this way for a reason.  But no more dwelling.  No more wallowing.  I may go back to church soon.

I am going to be ok.

The Struggle: Faith, Hope, and Love

The last few months have been the hardest of my life.  That is not a secret.  I did things I never thought I would do.  The biggest one is I stopped talking to God.  Never in all my blessed life did I think think I would be capable of that.  Which is pretty prideful.  Thinking I was so spiritually untouchable that my faith could not be shaken.  Yet, here I sit.  The biggest sinners and failures I know.  But even still, God continues to love me.
As with everything, I have made my struggles public on this blog.  But it has been awhile since I wrote anything.  Not because I am hiding, but because I have been struggling so much and been so broken that I could not find the words to write.  All of my energy has gone into getting through the day without breaking down or causing someone else to feel worse pain.  Some days I made it, others I did not.
As I think about the last months it came to me why this struggle has been more real and harder than any other I have faced before.  Three things that I have done well most of my life are to have faith, hope, and love in my life.  This may sound preachy or arrogant.  It is not.  This is who God made me, and anyone who knows me just a little will attest to that.  If you don't, well that is not my problem.  There are other areas of spirituality where I struggle incredibly, but with these three attributes I have always held onto for dear life.  Until recently.  Devastatingly, I lost all of those things.
I believe this is the reason I fell so deeply in to this depression.  It is my belief that these three go hand in hand.  To work properly, they have to work together.  And they are needed to live a life fully for God.
I have always been a person with so much love to give.  And because of that, I also desire to be loved greatly.  Very often, I have not been able to share my love with people to the extent I feel it.  And I have learned to be okay with that.  I would hold onto hope that someday I would be able to use this gift and I had faith God would take care of me.  See how that works?  All together.  But some point last year, I started losing hope that everything would someday be better.  As more and more trouble piled on, it would steal my hope away.  I felt a fool trusting God when all it seems is that life was just getting worse.  So my faith started to diminish as well.  And it became a spiral.  As I fell deeper into this hole of darkness, I would lose more hope and faith that God would ever rescue me, especially since He could see how dark and painful it was for me and not do anything about it.  I would think "I thought He is supposed to rescue His children in time of need, yet He isn't, so what is the point?"  I would get angry.  And there is no love to be had in this state of mind.  So it just kept getting darker. To the point where there was nothing of my former self left.
It was not until recently, with the help of professionals and support of loved ones, that I can look back and see what happened.  Thankfully, I got the push to get help, even if I have hated every step of it.  And as I process and think, it has come to me that the three things needed to live a life of Joy in Christ were gone from my heart.  And this is the reason I struggle so much.
I am not saying I have reached the point I need to be.  I still do not have the faith, hope and love I had before.  I am still struggling.  It is still so very painful.  But little by little, the fog is lifting and I am climbing out of this hole towards the light.  As painful as it is, I am trying to love, hope and have faith again.  Because without them, I am not Lindsay, the child of God He intends me to be.

Roller Coaster Ride

I used to love roller coasters.  LOVE them.  My favorite were the rickety old wooden ones.  The anticipation of climbing up and the thrill of dropping down the hill was my favorite part.  I could handle the ones that flipped you upside down, but they were not my favorite.  I think because you could not see what was coming next.  But still, fun.
But then, sometime in college roller coasters did not appeal to me so much anymore.  My sister and I went with our church college group to Magic Mountain and we both got pretty sick after one.  I am not sure if it was the ride, the heat, the food or a mixture of all three. But every since then, I can not stomach them as well as I used to.  I will still go on them and enjoy them, but I have to be careful and take my time with how many and how often.
Don't worry, there is a point to this.  I realized today that I am on the worst and most sickening roller coaster I have ever been on right now.  Every time I think I know what is coming or that I am safe, I get thrown for a loop.  I felt the slightest bit of hope the other day.  I do not understand it.  When I see/feel a little relief it is only fleeting.
I am so tired of this ride.  I hurt from being jerked around so much.  I am sick from the ups and downs.
And yes, I know this is a metaphor that only works so far.  Roller coasters are supposed to be fun.  But this one is not.  And I am sorry for writing so negatively lately.  But I am trying to document accurately.  So that if I do finally make it off this ride, I can remember what I came through.
My solution to this roller coaster is to try and act as mellow as possible.  To look as though I am calm and collected.  So that way my pain does not spread.  But on the inside I am crying and screaming.  But I can not and will not be a burden.  I know everyone says I am not.   But.  To try and explain what is going on to people feels like complaining and also that I am beating a dead horse.  It also makes the pain more intense, since they can not understand 90% of it.  Not because others have not been here, but because we all feel things differently.  I can't explain my pain.
And yes, I should pray.  But here it is.  The end all of what I thought I was.  I can't talk to God right now.  That is part of this ride.  I just can't.  I am angry.  And hurt by Him.  For not coming to my rescue sooner.  And don't tell me the cliches about Him being there no matter what happens.  And that it is in His timing.  I know all this.  A little part actually still believes it.  But I can't face it right now.  It hurts too much.  I feel betrayed.  There it is folks.  My faith is gone.  Real talk.
I know this one is sad and volatile.  Oh well.  I am not here to hide anything.  

Epically Sucks

No one said this road was going to be easy.  Quite the opposite.  But still, foolishly, I thought when I finally put into motion getting help for my depression things would get slightly better. Unfortunately, things have gone the other way.  If anything, my heart has gotten heavier and facing the day is harder.  I am sure starting back at work and the stress of that does not help.  But still.  This epically sucks.

I need prayer.  It is really the only reason I am writing this.  To be frank, I am angry and hurt at God.  And am having a very difficult time speaking with Him.  So maybe my friends and family can do it on my behalf.  Hopefully He will listen and move somehow.

Right now, my heart is in a shambles.  I cry all the time.  Know if you feel that way.  You are not alone.

And I am not giving up.  Even though the doubt of ever feeling better is much stronger than the hope.  There really is no other option than to keep moving forward.  

My Dark Confession: The Aftermath

It has only been a few days since I made my most secret of confessions of suffering from depression.  And I will admit, I am shocked at the response I have gotten.  First of all, that blog entry has been my most read by far.  I do not know why, but I choose to believe it is because people are relating or care about me and want to know what is going on.  Secondly, I am surprised at who has approached me, whether through text, online, or in person to let me know they read it and are fighting this with me and even some to say they struggle too and want me to know I am not alone.  I am also surprised by those who have not reached out, but there is no need to dwell on that.  I am choosing to focus on those in my corner.

The whole reason I am being so public about this is because I want to push the idea that it is okay to talk about this type of struggle.  To help everyone understand what this is and maybe even help understand how to help those in your life going through it.  Every struggle is different for each person.  But loving is the same.

To start I will try to explain what is going on in my mind and heart and why I finally came to the place to decide to get help.  Some things I have mentioned before.  And you may never understand it unless you go through it yourself.  I pray you never have experience this, though.  I mentioned last time, this kind of pain is "it hurts to live pain".  That is the easiest way to put it. I wake up with this ache in my heart that is constant.  I try to push it away, focus on the good, but because of the chemicals in my brain right now, it is nearly impossible to do that.  Every little thing throughout the day that reminds me of hurt and pain is a massive hit to my heart.  It is not simply a lack of faith or positive thinking.  It is as a real medical issue.  This did not happen because I am sad by my circumstances.  Logically, I know I am blessed beyond measure.  I am not in a depression because I am still single, my job is frustrating, hardships I see my family and friends are going through, being lonely, losing friends, etc.  Yes, all those things have happened in my life this year and do effect me.  But it is not why I am struggling with depression, they are just factors that enhance it.  Others in my place may have been able to deal with those things and still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  That is the struggle I am dealing with.  It is hard for me to see a light.

With all of those factors going on my life right now, I FINALLY realized I have to get better so I can be strong for those suffering around me.  If I did not get better, I would not only be worthless to my family and friends who need me, but also, I will not be the person God intends me to be, to be to share His love.  There have been days when I could not get out of bed because of the overwhelming pain. How could I live for God?  So I was pushed to the point where I have to face it.  I believe God is behind that.

So.  You may wonder how to interact with someone like me, dealing with a similar issue.  It is likely different for each person.  But I do believe you can't ignore it.  I know.  It is SO DIFFICULT to talk about things like this.  And they may blow it off or deny it.  But deep down, they know you care and SEE them.  That makes a difference.  Keep trying.  For me, specifically.  You can talk to me about it.  Obviously, I am being public about this.  I will likely cry.  But, oh well.  Better than hiding my heart like I have for so long.  Hug me if you want.  Or just tell me you are praying for me.  That you are cheering me on.  Ask questions.  I do not mind.  I will be honest.  So be prepared.  But I would rather more people know and be comfortable talking about this type of thing rather than shirking around it.  So maybe, slowly but surely, the idea that this type of struggle is shameful will melt away.  So more people will see the light and feel God's love.

The Scariest Thing I Will Ever Admit

This is the scariest blog by far.  I did not think I would ever actually make it to this point of writing it.  At least not yet.  Not while I am still in the midst of it.  I was hoping to write this particular blog when I was healed, bright and shiny again.  But it occurred to me today that maybe I can't make it to that point until I finally face it.  So here goes.  My most scary and vulnerable confession yet.

It is my belief I am entrenched in the middle of depression.  Not the "I am sad because my goldfish is sick" sadness, but it hurts to live depression.  I am pretty sure most of you all had that suspicion for awhile.  But I could not admit it to myself.  Until yesterday.  I do not know why yesterday was different.  But, I was finally brave enough to say it to myself, even if I knew it in my head and heart for awhile.  It has been gradual, but I finally have come to the point where I can't deny it anymore.  

I would have good days, and moments where I saw God working.  And would take the opportunity to write a blog to prove I really was okay.  But then another thing would come and push me down again.  I did not want to admit it because I did not want to be a failure.  To put that burden on my family and friends.  Everyone has there own problems.  I was trying to hide it, whether I was good at it or not.  I also admit, this is not the first time I have struggled with depression/anxiety.  It snuck up on me this time, one thing after another.

I will be honest, there are some VERY rough situations going on in my world.  I kept getting angry at God, not understanding why it keeps piling on.  Me feeling things like I do.  He made me.  Why is He doing this to me?  And He rarely would speak to my heart.  So I would just keep going day to day, waiting for Him to change my heart.  To lift the burden.  And so far, He has not.  I think it is because He wants me to come face to face with it, to learn whatever lesson I will.

Here is why I am sharing this with those that read my blog.  I feel so strongly in the Christian world depression and anxiety (both of which I have struggled with at different points in my life) are somewhat of a taboo topic.  Let's be honest, it makes people uncomfortable.  People do not know what to do with those suffering.  And those suffering feel weak, less of a Christian.  But this is wrong and HAS to change.  Yes, it hurts and is uncomfortable.  But you know what?  Most things that do end up meaning the most.  I have to face this.  I am not alone.  I am taking steps to get through this.  I will make it.

But here is the thing.  I would not have decided to take those steps if not for my family pushing me to finally face it.  They probably do not even know they did it.  Now they do.  And to them I am forever grateful.

I hope that anyone that reads this that may have suffered or are suffering will lean on those around you.  Take steps to feel better.  Don't hide it.  You are not shameful.  God made you beautiful.  You can and will be a miracle story to help someone else.  Mine will be.  These blogs show that.  I learn little by little.  

You may wonder how you can help me.  If you read this, it is likely you care about me.  I will tell you.  Specifically pray for me.  Specifically pray for those I love whom I am burdened for.  There is a reason I hurt for them.  I am taking steps to get better.  To be the Lindsay you all know and love. Thank you for being there.  I love you all.

Be the Miracle

I talk a lot about miracles in this blog.  And to be perfectly honest, there are even more miracles I am praying for these days then when I started writing again.  My heart is heavier than it ever has been.  But my outlook has changed.  I am still praying all day and every day for those miracles.  But I also realized God does not only perform miracles in a showy manner.  He uses us, His children to be there for each other.  And not only that.  Even more so, when we allow each other in out lives to be there for each other, we are the miracle our friends did not know they wanted.  Let me explain.

I will start with the simpler one.  We live in a terrible world.  It is painful.  Frustrating.  Lonely.  Confusing.  And so we pray.  But in the dark times we push others away.  I am severely guilty of this.  We are embarrassed to show emotions.  Or do not want to "burden" others.  Or it just hurts to be around others.  But that is not how God made us.  We all know that.

So here is my challenge.  Yup, I am going to say it.  I may regret it later. But, oh well.  When friends are going through awful situations, we tend to back off.  Not wanting to push or offend.  Say the simple "Let me know if you need anything".  And we mean it when we say it.  But here is the thing.  I have often found that hurting people do not reach out.  They are striving just to make it through the day.  So DO something.  Even if it is uncomfortable.  Write a note.  Send a gift.  Call and leave a message.  Let them know you are ACTUALLY thinking about them and there for them.  I am not saying show up 24 hours a day.  But words only have meaning when there is action behind them.  If the hurt one does not want to talk, don't.  If they send you away, go, but don't give up.  Try again another day.  That is why God gave us the Holy Spirit.  To listen and be His hands and feet to those around us.  Jesus would not sit around waiting and we all know it.  Be brave.

Secondly, the other side of the coin.  Let people help when you are hurt.  This is not just for you.  We, as a people, need to be needed.  We long to minister to others.  But our culture makes it seem weak to need others.  But it just isn't true.  And when you let others help, not only is your burdened lifted, but they are blessed.  And not only blessed, it gives the priceless gift of realizing they have worth.

I, personally, have also struggled with this one.  More than I realized.  I have been struggling, feeling that I am useless to those around me.  I offer to help.  No one accepts.  I want to be a friend.  To listen.  To help.  It is part of why I am in so much pain.  I am not saying I am some saint, trying to do good deeds for others all day.  I am admitting that it hurts that no one seems to need me.  And I know that is not true.  But we all go back to not wanting to be a burden, when it is the opposite that is true.

I think we all need to swallow our pride and ask for help.  And actually give it.  It is in times like that when God performs miracles.  People are healed.  The world sees Jesus in us.  And isn't that the whole point?  So be a miracle.  Help and be helped.

An Answer to Prayer

I want to start off saying that I truly do not know why God has called me to share this journey of mine with you.  But I believe it is what I have been called to do, and if I have learned anything from the Bible and my life, if God is calling you to do something, best do it right quick.  So here we go with another one.
More often than not, these blogs share my struggles and truths that I have learned from them.  This one is not.  Quite the opposite.  I realized today a miracle has occurred in my heart.  And I just HAD to share it with you all.  But let's get some background information.
As I have shared before, and likely will again.  I feel things.  DEEPLY.  Honestly, that seems like not enough to describe it.  But there really is no other way, unless you have a secret machine where we could switch hearts and you feel mine and I yours.  That would be crazy, and kinda awesome.  Not the point.  I have come to accept some people will never understand my heart, just like I will never understand others.  God made us different on purpose.  I used to be ashamed of how I was made.  And because of how I feel things, I can honestly say more times than not, my heart has taken over and caused pain with no point to it.  And instead of trusting God and using this gift of love and compassion, I dwell in the pain and let that win.  NO more.  So here is what happened today.
 I am single.  Granted, I know I have talked about not wanting people to only see that about me.  But let's be real.  It is a factor to part of my struggles as an adult.  Not the only one, not at all.  But it is definitely towards the top.  My heart longs to love, encourage, support, etc. someone else on that level.  And I have often felt I am missing out because I am not been granted that blessing yet.  Especially with the gifts God has given me.  And that hurt.  So much.  So many people said to appreciate my singledom.  Oooooh.  And sometimes I wanted to punch those people.  Ok, not the point.  I have made huge strides in being cool with being single.  As I have shared.  Seriously, jump back 5 years, I have grown a lot.  But I will be completely forthcoming.  I have never been 100% content with my singleness.
 Even though I have learned a lot, there was always a little nagging in my silly heart.  Especially when going out with friends who often talk about husbands/kids.  Or another announcement of some sort.  Not that I was not thrilled for them, I just felt like the kid left out of the cool kids club.  I would wonder "What did I do wrong to get excluded?"  I never got an answer.  But you know what?  That is okay!
And then a miracle happened today.  I woke up.  And for the first time in my life I was not just fine with being single, I was content, grateful even.  It is like something in my heart and mind finally lined up and I accepted it.  I laid in my bed and thanked God for it.  I get to sleep in till an hour I will not share because it is not nice to brag.  I get to do what I want to do. Go where I want.  And most importantly, work on me.
With all these struggles, I have not been very social.  Seriously, it hurt to go out.  I have no idea why.  But it is true.  I was broken.  For many reasons, it seemed my friends had backed away or disappeared.  I asked God why.  Again, no answer.  But because I was in this solitude so often, I was forced to lean on God and look at myself (and let me tell you, not pretty).  And through that God is healing me.  And this is one way He has finally gotten through to me.  And I am so grateful.  I truly never thought I would get to this place in my life.  I thought there would always be a little part of me that was devastated I have been alone for my whole life.  So glad I was proven wrong.
I also realized something else through this. I am learning how to use this gift of compassion God has given me.  To use the ache in my heart.  And I am going to be brave and ask you to help.
I often am often overwhelmed by others difficulties and the pain of this world.  I can't let it overwhelm me.  That is when my emotions tell me to give up, it is not worth it, and there is no hope.  But it simply isn't true.  So I pray for them.  And I am asking you to do the same.  Prayer changes things.  So it may seem odd, but I am done apologizing for things I feel God has called me to do.  Here are some things that my heart is burdened for right now (I have not asked if I could put their names so I won't for now):
- The health of 3 wonderful people in my life
- The people we come in contact with daily that see no hope in life, struggling with mental health
- Those that do not accept the Truth of Jesus
- And finally, I have a specific friend that I have been burdened for awhile now (no idea why), that their heart is transformed and walk toward God.

I do not mean to sound arrogant.  I wanted to share this break through.  And ask for you to come alongside to pray for the things on my heart.

My New Hero: The Persistent Widow

As shocking as it sounds, a little while ago, while doing my devotions I came across a parable that I did not remember ever hearing before.  Crazy, I know.  I mean, this is the girl that grew up in what I lovingly call the "Christian Mafia" (there are A LOT of people in my family involved in the ministry). I grew up going to church every Sunday, involved in youth group, went on all the missions trips.  I went to a Bible College.  Yet, this one seemed to pass by me my whole life and not make a mark in my mind.  Granted, it is only 8 verses long.  But man, it hit my hard.  And has given me indescribable hope in the darkest moments.  So, I wanted to share.

It is found in the book of Luke.  Chapter 18, verses 1-8.  It is called the Persistent Widow.  Go read it.  Seriously.  Just open a new tab, type in the reference and read it.  I will wait...... Ok.  Done?

WHOA!!!!  AM I RIGHT???

Okay, maybe it  does not hit you like it did me.  And I am not here to preach a sermon about it.  I am not one of the Preaching Engrams as aforementioned.  Definitely not my spiritual gift.  But you know what is?  Mercy and prayer.  But more on that in a bit.  

Here is the point of this.  This widow is my hero.  She does not give up on asking what she wants.  I am sure it was not easy for her to get up and go EVERY SINGLE DAY to go plead her wishes with a mean, old judge.  She does not care if she is a bother, or annoying.  Does not matter.  She is too focused on pleading her case. No matter what the cost.   

Man.  There have been so many points in my journey I have wanted to give up and not deal with the pain anymore.  Give up asking.  Give up on God.  Walk away.  All of it.  But then I read this.  And it even says in the first verse that He is telling this to show His disciples to always pray and not give up.  And this widow was talking to an unfair, jerkface judge.  I talk to my loving God in Heaven.  Who wants to give me the desires of my heart.  He wants me to share with Him.

So I do.  Everyday.  ALL day.  Even though, I sometimes (more often than I should admit) feel like He is not listening.  Does not matter.  When I feel there is no use.  Or that there really is no point.  I remember this parable.  He wants to hear from me.  Even if it is the same things I pray for day in and day out.  I have learned I love praying.  I am a talker and I use it to talk to Jesus.  I admit I am still learning the skill of listening too, but that is for another day.      

So even if you feel like God is not listening.  Or it is not worth it to keep praying to God over the same thing.  It is.  Jesus said so himself.  Prayer changes things.  I believe that truth with my entire being.   

Which brings me to my last thought.  I would LOVE to pray for you.  Please.  It is an honor and a blessing.  Text, call, private message.  And if you every think of it, I would not mind prayers too (for wisdom, family healing, new job, burden for my friends).  God wants to hear all of it.  And as brothers and sisters in Christ, this is one way we can be there for each other and bring glory to God. 

The Heart of the Problem

So I realize that I have been pretty vague about what has been the reason for my pain and suffering this past year.  And to be honest, a large chunk of my entire life.  It is not the only reason.  But it all stems back to this one.  Maybe because it took me a long time to actually put it into words.  Because it is dangerous, hurtful to others, and taboo for a person in my situation.  But here it is:

I had never truly felt truly loved.  Even and especially by God.

It is true.  I mean, loved in a way that I was not an obligation for others. There is no logical reason for me to feel that way.  I grew up in the best situation a person could ask for in this life.  A loving and supportive family.  Always learning about God.  Good friends.  Great opportunities for education.  Never wanting for a job.  All of it.  It all has come relatively easy.  But there it is.  I still never felt wanted.  Lying underneath all the picture perfect life, I felt I was just an obligation.

My family had to love me.  They are my family.  My friends said they loved me because that is what you do.  Not that I did not think they did in a way, just not real love.  And God, well, He loves everyone.  So I was nothing special to Him.  Love for me was just His duty as God.  There is no explaining it, it does not makes sense.  But subconsciously, that is where I was until pretty recently.  There could be many reasons for why I felt that way.  Such as, I took my family's love for granted.  Or that there has been very few (not even a few, MAYBE 2) men to care for me in a romantic way. It could be that I am a people-pleaser and assumed people only wanted to be friends with me solely because of what I brought to the table, not just for me.  I was too much of a burden with my quirkiness and emotions.  It is all these things, along with the fact that we live in a fallen world and the evil one has run havoc on my heart and mind for much too long in this area.

It did not matter what people said or did.  And that is awful.  I lost friends because I could not see or accept their love.  I just did not think I was loved for my entire person.  By them or God.  As I said, I did not realize this until recently.  And it is my belief this is why I am going through what I am right now.  God does love me beyond anything I could do or imagine.  Enough to turn my life on its head until my stubborn heart sees the Truth.  All the lessons I have learned point back to this one.  If I do not believe I am loved, I can't trust God.  Or minister to others.  Or live an abundant life.  Or really believe my miracle is coming.  Or be loved by another person.  Oooooooooh.  Burn.  Or have any hope for anything.  So.  It has not been easy, but I am working very hard to train how I think and live to see the love others have for me.

God has been here the whole time.  Revealing things when I was ready to hear them.  If I was not ready to hear things and accept them, they would do no good.  Which is why that whole "God's timing is best" we hear 1,000 times a day, is for real.  But if you are not ready to hear or accept that, it does no good.

He does love me.  Not just because He loves everyone.  I am special to Him.  I can not tell you how many very specific ways He has shown me that.  Often, I do not see them until after.  I believe He started this process almost 2 years ago.  He brought and used people into my life that reached me in ways no one has before.  He put me in situations that hurt like hell, but now I see was Him calling out to me to lean on Him, because He loves me.  He has been relentless.  BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

And now that I see He does, I see how much the people in my life do, too.  Truly.  Thank you for loving me.  And not giving up on me.  Even when I did not accept or believe your love.  It is a work in progress, but I am learning.  No more feeling unloved.  He has made me realize I am worthy to accept love.




 

   

Painful Lessons

Ok.  Not sure how this one is going to go.  I have not written for almost 2 months.  I think mostly for two reasons.  One, I had nothing to say that I thought anyone would care to read.  And two, and more likely, in my last post I talked about thinking my miracle finally coming soon.  And it hasn't.  So I guess I am/was ashamed.

It has been a roller coaster of a two months.  Ups and downs.  And no miracle.  At least no miracle that I expected.  It would be remiss of me to say that I have not seen glimpses of God here and there, working on me and my prayers.  But I am so fickle, I forget that from day to day.  Anyway, not really why I am writing.  Actually, not even sure of why I am writing.  I just felt the urge to, and I can't ignore it, especially since it has been so long.  I actually think that  may be the point of this entry.  Doing things that don't make sense in my brain, but I still feel the urge to do from God.

I have to say.  I have learned so much about myself this past year.  I can not tell you why God is taking me through this.  And I have learned, just as in the story of Job, I have no right to ask God why He does what He does.  That took awhile for me to understand.  I was of the mind that I did not deserve this.  I would ask God why He made me this way.  To feel things so deeply, to the point of it being painful.  To make it so I feel isolated, yet it be difficult to be around other people.  And then He not answer my crying out.  But really, I deserve much worse.  We all do.  Ok, lesson learned.  Trying to change my thinking.  Trust Him.

I still do not understand so much of what is going on.  And yes, it causes pain.  Pain a lot of people do not understand.  So many in my life have peaced out because they can not handle being around me in my pain.  Or they do not understand it.  Or other reasons I am not sure of.  Or there are those that think they are helping by giving advice every single time they see me.  And as I have mentioned before, even the most well meaning piece of advice can still sting harshly at the wrong moment (See "miserable comforters" in Job).  That hurt.  But I have realized.  It is okay.  We all feel and see things differently.  I have come to realize my passion and compassion for things in life is a gift.  I can use that in ways others cannot.  And I do know without a doubt, God is going to use this time for me to minister to others that deal with things like I do someday.  And praise the Lord for that.

I admit.  This is not a journey I would have taken on willingly.  Which is why God is in control.  I am still very much in the midst of the struggle.  I have good days and bad days, thankfully more good than what they previously were.  But anyone that has been around me likely knows I am still not myself.  It is a battle sometimes just to go out.  I mean, I was bawling in church on Sunday, and that was just during worship.  I am trying.  I am healing.  Truly.  I look back and see how much of a different person I am now.  My way of thinking is different than it was, in a good way.

I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.  I am striving to look only to God and actually trust Him in my heart AND my mind.  Easy to say, not easy to do.  All this to say.  I have made so many mistakes and likely caused much hurt this past year.  For that I am sorry. But.  I am learning and growing closer to Him.  And for that reason alone I praise Him.  It is okay for me and it is okay for you to hurt.  I rarely talk about my struggles in person because I still do not know what it is all about (and I get emotional which can be embarrassing for all involved).  God has not seen fit to share that with me.  Maybe He never will.  I am okay with that.  I think.  And I write better than I speak (I think).   I am not saying if I happen to see or talk to you in the near future to act as if our lives are all sunshine and rainbows.  I have never been one to be fake and gloss over the hardships in life.  If you ask how I am, I will give you a real answer.  I always do.  A hug and consistent prayers for me will also never be denied.  On the contrary, they are appreciated and I am grateful.  People still mean so much to me, but I have to rely solely on God to learn this lesson.

I hope/believe/know someday God will use this time in my life to help others.  For now I can honestly say I am grateful for the struggle because I have learned more about my Jesus through this.  Last week, not sure I can say I felt that.  Not sure I can ask for more right now.
I love you all.          

Labor Pains

I have never given birth.  I hope to someday, God-willing.  But I hear it is not the most relaxing experience.  Now I am not trying to say I have any idea about what it feels like.  So no one needs to get their feathers all ruffled because I am claiming to understand what it is like to be pregnant or to give birth.  Believe me, I try my hardest  not to claim understanding feelings or pain that I have no business claiming.  For many reasons.  Anyways.  Getting off topic here.  The reason I bring up giving birth and the pain that goes along with it, is because though I do not understand that particularly event literally, I understand the concept.
It starts off with one contraction pain.  Then another a little while later.  Then as time goes on the pains become more frequent and intense.  I imagine as this pain happens for some, one can forget the miracle that is coming in the end.  A weak person like me can not see past the pain, the hurt happening right at that moment.  So I have gotten into the habit reminding myself that these are just labor pains.
The tricky part is, my pain is not necessarily the most clear or understandable to others.  Nor is it easy to explain to others.  We are all different.  My feelings and pain are foreign to many people in my life.  I am an intense person.  And I have to decided to try and stop apologizing and feeling bad for not being able to explain myself.  I know who I am.  God does too.  Better than I do.  I often can not even understand the reason for the hurt I am going through.  He and I also know that I am doing my darndest (cleaned that up a bit) to grow, learn and heal. It is taking awhile. As most worthwhile things do.  Just look at all the stories in the Bible.  Time is a key factor.

As I was reminding myself of different stories in the Bible where God's children had to go through high and low times to get to their blessing I realized something.  As much as I wish I was more like Joseph, chilling in prison for years and still holding on to faith in God; or like Job, who got everything taken away yet still trusted God, I am not.  I realized I am like good old King David.  Now they may sound like a brag.  But it is not.  Have you read the Psalms???  David was an emotional guy.  Another word for it is passionate.  He had some great wonderful times he wrote about.  Dancing in the streets, praising God for his blessings.  And we all know how much I like to dance.  But then there are those Psalms that are pretty emo and dark.  Very opposite sides of the spectrum.  All one guy.  That is me.  Completely.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay for me to feel the way that I do.  I have pounded it into my head for so long that there is something wrong with me because of how my heart works.  

Not to say my heart is perfect.  Far from it.  I do know I need to keep working on the discipline of my heart, and letting God mold it to be more like His.  Not letting my feelings rule me, but use them for God's glory.  David messed up a lot, and I need to take that as a cautionary tale.  And also realize that when I do mess up, God still loves me and can make something great out of it.  God uses crazy people like me and David.  

But David had to wait for his miracle too.  His blessings did not come easy.  It took a lot of pain and time.  I have to remind myself of that.  He had labor pains.  That these are labor pains.  And a loving God, one I do believe in, would not let me suffer for the entirety of my life for naught.  But it is going to hurt for awhile.  And, yes, I am doing my best to not bring my pain into other's lives, and even hide it(though I am not great at it yet).  Not because they do not care, but because it will hurt them.  And I feel God is taking me through this very lonely time on purpose.  No one else can take the pain except the one giving birth.  I may be wrong, but this is how I view my journey right now.  And I also realize that the more intense and frequent it is, that you are to the end.  And let me tell you all, it has GOT to be close to the end. 
And what comes at the end of labor??  A miracle.  That only God can bring about. So I have to trust, be a vessel, try to honor Him and learn from the pain.   

That Game-Changing Moment

So I could be having to eat the words I write today, but I am still going to risk it and share what I believe is happening in my world these days.  And risk is exactly what I am going to be writing about.

There are some things that have happened in the past few weeks where it would seem God is setting up for some major changes for me.  And I believe in my heart that the changes are absolutely for the better, but also very scary.  That the past year of pain and turmoil have been leading up to a moment that seems to be approaching quickly.  I have finally gotten to a place where I do not ache like I did before over the loss and hurt I have been experiencing. My selfish and arrogant heart (see last blog post) has finally accepted that God does love me more than I could imagine and already has in motion an amazing plan for my life.  Now when I start feeling anxious or frustrated or another bump in the road comes along, I am making an effort to not let it get to me and instead say "Okay God, let's do this."  And what a difference it has made.

Now do not get me wrong, I have no idea if what I am saying truly will come in the time frame I think it will or not, but all sources point to it possibly coming down the pike rather soon.  For example, I have been less than thrilled with my career.  For many reasons, I do not feel is appropriate to get into right now.  But it got to the point where I knew I needed a change.  It is scary, but I am taking that jump.  I actually have some new opportunity possibilities that I am very excited about.  They may or may not work out.  But in the end, I now know God has this and I will be in the best place I should be come next school year.  Either way, it is requiring a leap of faith on my part.

With relationships.  I have had so much heartbreak this year.  I drove away some I maybe should not have, and held on to others I should not have.  Either way, I had to learn that God had to be first and the One I come to with my heart.  And though I am still quite lonely, I am trusting Him that He is enough, and He will not allow me to be lonely forever.  We were made for relationships, no matter what kind, and He will not keep me from that blessing.  But I needed to take a risk and let all of the comfort of my human relationships go in order to learn the incredibly painful lesson of solely relying on Him.  So right now I have left it in His hands, whatever may come.  Another leap.

I have also been thinking about the talents God has given me and using them for ministry.  The crazy thing is, using some of those talents are actually scary to me.  I have to put myself out there and risk being judged.  But that can not matter to me.  It is for God, no one else.  So I feel God is moving me to jump into some things I have not done before.  Another dive into the unknown I see in my future.

I admit.  I still have moments of doubt, but they are becoming fewer.  Now that I am attempting to make a sincere effort to not let them rule my thoughts and heart.  I do not wake up everyday dreading getting out of bed anymore.  I am singing (loudly) in my car, apartment and classroom again (my neighbors are so lucky).  I am seeing God's blessing for all those around me and for myself.  Which I was not before.  I am so grateful.

As I said, I feel in my heart some big things are coming my way.  I see the light from the dark road I have been traveling.  I have peace in my heart that I so longed for.  And they are happening because I have finally given EVERYTHING over to God and trusted Him with it.  It was/is painful.  But it is worth it.  So cliche.  But true.  And now because I do trust, I think I am going to have to do some risk taking.  My heart has been getting ready for it.  I would not have been ready to jump until I trusted.

It may be almost time for THAT moment.  You know.... that moment that happens in any Musical Movie when the lead character (Yes, I am the lead in my world) is singing the heart-wrenching, soul-moving climatic song that you get goosebumps listening to... and you know there is about to be a game-changing twist/decision that pulls everything together???  Well.  I think right now I am belting out that note that makes your heart full of hope and want to sing along.  I think there is about to be a game-changer in my world.  One for the better.  Time to close my eyes, and leap.

Confession: I am a Selfish Beast

So I had sort of a revelation today at church.  I am a selfish beast. 

I do not know where to start.  Here I am.  Been complaining and wailing for the past who knows how long and I realize how incredibly selfish I have been.  Everyone kept saying I am so blessed.  I need to be thankful.  Here is the weird part.  I could see that.  My brain knew it. But I could not feel it, as hard as I tried.  I have been too busy throwing a pity party.  And no one was invited but me. 

There is no doubt I am feeling legitimate pain.  That things are tough right now.  Absolutely.  No one is denying that.  But that has been my focus for so long, I do not know how to focus on anything else.  I took it too far.  I did need to start taking care of myself and learn to have confidence.  But in usual Lindsay-fashion I went the extreme route.  God used the pain to teach me independence from people, confidence, and to lean on Him.  Got to the place of loving me, but then instead of learning the skills needed there and keep moving on to God's plan, I decided to set up camp and stay.  And I got angry and bitter about the pain I was going through.  And every time a new blow came,  I focused on how awful my world is, instead of looking to God and saying "Okay, let's do this".  I thought I was, but really I was just pretending to believe God was handling it, all the while thinking I have to handle this pain by myself.  I thought I was being noble.  Ugh, gross Lindsay.  

Maybe because I have been so blinded thus far at His hand in all of this.  I was trying to look like a good Christian and say God is taking care of me, but to be honest, there was/is still a small part of me that is unsure that He is really going to save me from this pain.  Since He has not done it yet, my weak faith isn't grasping completely that He does truly love me, and will save me from this.  And it is a very small part, but still, it is wrong and should not be there.  

I also thought because of my pain I am dealing with right now, I am not strong enough to be any good to anyone.  This is not a self-esteem thing.  This was a can't see past the end of my nose thing.  Instead of trying to look past the hurt, I stayed put.  To be honest, I was scared, and still am to put myself out there to get hurt more.  So like the pansy I am, I have holed my heart up and pushed friends away.  And I am devastated by that.  It very well may be that I have lost some dear friends because of my selfish actions.  I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.  

I am saying this all as a confession.  Through this journey I have had many ups and downs.  Here is the weird part.  At this point, when I have realized how selfish I have been, I am feeling a little bit of the burden being lifted.  Because I looked it square in the face, repented of it and am going to work hard not to let it beat me again.  

Not going to lie.  This is a rough one to share.  I may not.  I feel pretty vulnerable right now.  But I decided to share this journey with people awhile ago, and this one is as deep as I have gotten, thus far.  So, I am sorry for being so selfish and bitter and angry.  That is not who God would have me be.  I will try to do better.    

Now here comes the best part.  And shown how much I have grown.  Instead of being in despair for realizing how sinful and stupid I have been (as I would have in the past) I feel some joy and peace in my heart.  Set Free!!!  Praise the Lord! And know the love God has for me.  It was always there, I just was too blind to see it. I knew it in my head.  But as you know, my head and heart do not often agree.  Thank you, Jesus.  I am ready to see what God has for me to glorify Him.  Exciting. 

A Prisoner of Hope

So I have been thinking a lot about what my next post was going to be.  There is a lot that is going around in my brain right now.  I have about 5 or 6 topics I think would be good to write about, but none seem to be the correct thing to write about at the moment.  I also almost decided to give up writing altogether.  I have gotten some not so positive feedback from those around me.  And it is not my intention to directly upset people.  But I do think there is a difference of making people upset and making people think and/or be convicted.  And as I have stated before, I truly feel God has called me to write, if simply to help one person understand that they are not alone in difficult times. 


So, here I am.  Writing.  And I also do not believe that my writing will always be from the perspective of struggle and working through pain.  That is just where I am now.  And as everything in life, we go through different seasons, and I do not believe we grow into better and stronger people if we try to ignore and forget the difficult times.  Quite the contrary.  So.  I write to remember and will look back and see what incredible trials my Jesus brought me through.  And very likely see His hand in a way I do not see while I am in it.  Does any of that make sense?  Hopefully, it does.  Anyway, on to what I am here to say. 


Through all of the struggles that have happened in my life of late I have come to realize there are really only 2 options to how to look at things.  Hope and giving up.  And it may surprise you which one is more difficult.  At least for me.  Hope is a wonderful thing.  Truly.  But it is not all sunshine and roses.  Actually, I have found that it can hurt like..... well.  You know.  I posted it the other day, but I heard a quote while watching a great show called Call the Midwife- "Hope has extraordinary power. It feeds the soul... and yet can torment it. It can be dashed, but it can show the way."  I could not have put it better myself.  But even though it is rough sometimes, the only option for me is to hope.    


I sometimes have felt like a fool holding on to hope that God will rescue me from this pain.  I think that is part of our battle with flesh.  My logic says that it has been this long and God has not answered my prayers, so likely it is just not going to happen.  But logic does not always go with God's plan.  So I have those days where I feel like I am Charlie Brown with the football.  I think there is a glimmer of light coming down the path, only to get knocked down and fall a few more paces back.  So I ask myself if  it is even worth hoping that my miracle is coming??  Here is my answer.  Yes.  Yes, it is.  I had to think it through.  I had to ask myself "Do I really believe that God loves me?  Do I really believe He answers and hears His children's prayers?  Do I realize His timing is not mine?" Absolutely.  I do.  I sometimes act or feel like that is not true.  But deep in my heart, and even in my brain I believe that.  But sometimes, to be frank, it sucks.


I admit.  There have been several very volatile moments when I considered the other option.  Giving up.  Not the "giving up everything to God" sentiment.  No.  Giving up as in walking away from this Christian life, on God.  Believing Him.  Yup.  Sure did.  But then I looked around, thought about my life without Jesus, and knew that would be a much more tragic and devastating outcome.  I do believe God, I just get impatient.  We all do.  If you say you never do, well, liar liar, panties ablaze (in my humble opinion).


Anyway, all that to say.  I am choosing to hope.  And I encourage any one else who may find themselves in a moment of doubt to remember the God we love and serve.  He is good.  Even, and especially when we do not understand what He is planning.  We have an entire Book that shows us that.  And it can be one of the most difficult things to do, but you just have to trust.  And not give up hope.  Even when He is quiet and not answering.  I know in the end, it will all make sense, and be better than I could have imagined.  Simply because He promised us He would take care of us.


Now, a little extra thought.  This does not mean I am going around hating life because nothing has happened yet.  I do not.  Yes.  I am going through one of the most difficult times in life.  And I am trying to be thankful for it.  For the growth I am experiencing.  I believe there is a reason that everything around me seems to be in a rubbled heap.  But that does not mean I can put on a happy face all the time.  It is just not who I am.  It is funny that I am a Kindergarten teacher, because I am definitely not the stereo-type many have about us.  I do not walk around with a sing-songy voice, humming the Wiggles, and refusing to acknowledge the harshness life can bring.  We aren't like that.  Especially me.  I am real.  Anyone that knows me can tell you I do not hide my feelings or opinions very well.  I am not just an open book, I am a full-length feature film constantly displaying what is going on.  Though I have tried to get better at hiding my feelings.  Who knows how successful I am. 


Anyway, that is why I write.  To share what God is doing in my life.  To let people know, we are going to go through hard times.  And it is going to be more difficult than you could ever imagine.  It has been for me.  But I do see a light.  Definitely.  I choose to hope.  Why?  Because I know God and know He will take care of me.  Simple as that.

New York

So I thought it was important to document my trip to New York.  I know most of my blogs of late have not been in the genre of talking about my trips.  But hey, I have never been one to follow the rules.  And though it is important to write about what God is doing and teaching me.  I also think it important to write about the fun things that happen in my world.

So maybe a month ago I decided it was necessary for me to get away for a little while.  Maybe to refresh, get a different perspective on things, or just to simply run away for a bit.  I actually tried to get over to Bath, England.  To see friends and visit my old stomping grounds.  But it did not work out.  Soon though.  So then I thought.... I have never been to New York.  Always wanted to, and why not?  It is much cheaper right now (thanks for organizing that, Dad) with all the weather they have been having. And I knew I needed a partner in mischief, so I asked my mom to come with me.  So glad I did.  We had a great time.

We flew out on Saturday and with only a few minor bumps (looking a fool at the train station), we got on the LIRR headed towards Penn Station.  And lucky us, we got seats right next to the testosterone fueled frat boys pre-gaming for some party.  They were lovely.  I admit, I had to hold myself back from declaring my love for them.  So anyway, we get to Penn Station, where dad said we should get a cab to our hotel, likely on $10 plus tip.  When we get to the street we were both filled with excitement and also likely dazed by the bright lights (like moths) of Times Square and mom says "Hey!  We are on 7th Ave already!  That is where our hotel is, I bet we can walk!!"  "SURE!" I say back.  So off we trot, short legs and suitcases in tow.  Now remember, it is Saturday night at Times Square..... Needless to say.  A little longer trek than we expected.  But we make it.  YEAH!  We check in, ask the concierge where some pizza is, go pick it up and bring it back to the hotel.  It was delicious.  We eat and collapse.  Excited for Idina day!!!

Ok, Sunday. I got all kinds of pretty in case I meet someone important.  If you did not see the picture, go look.  I look great. ;-)  HAHAHA.  Just being real.  (WARNING:  Gonna get Musical Nerd here for a bit)  We have a show at 2 pm.  It is a new Broadway show starring Idina Menzel.  Everyone now knows her as the voice of Elsa in Frozen, but I have loved her for YEARS.  She is who I want to grow up to be.  She was the original Elphaba in Wicked.  Has an amazing voice.  Not so secret about me.  I love musicals.  I LOVE to sing and dance.  And if I had the bravery and confidence I would do it in front of people.  But, I don't.  So I look at her, living vicariously.  The show is If/Then.  Definitely a new kind of story, but seeing her live was a dream come true.  We made some new friends in line.  2 teachers from Long Island.  And comforted to know they feel just like we do about the education system in this country.... Sigh.  Moving on.  After the show we go back to the hotel so I can get jeans and a coat.  We walk around some more and decide to go to the famous Carnegie Deli. Got a corned beef sandwich and chocolate mousse cake. Delicious.

Monday.  Jimmy Fallon Day!  We got up and head to Rockefeller Square.  Figured out where to go for Jimmy later.  We had some time to kill so we explored, got some lunch and headed back to the NBC store around 2.  We were told not to form a line UNTIL 2, but homeslice, I want to make it in the audience, so I will pretend to look at the FRIENDS shirts and mugs for 45 minutes if I have to, just to get a good spot in line.  Finally, we get a wristband and have an hour to kill.  We go under to a mall like place and mom sees Meredith Viera walking.  So excited.  We go back and wait some more.  At this point it was quite frustrating.  But FINALLY we get in and sit down.  So fun.  I love Jimmy.  Got Frozen on DVD.  Awesome.  When we get out we go to a lovely Italian place for dinner.  SO good.  Come to think of it, not sure I had a bad meal while in NYC.  We were so full, but satisfied when we got back to the room.  Stayed up and watched our Jimmy show.  Lovely day.

Tuesday.  We got up late and went to Central Park and walked around.  Some guy tried to get us to pay a fortune to get a bike ride all around.... umm no thanks.  No really.  We said no.  Go. Away.  It was a beautiful day.  Unfortunately, I was not feeling my best.... as life goes.  We ate in central park, walked some more and headed back to the hotel.  But saw our bike guy again.  This time he yelled at me "Free Hugs!!!"  When I ignored him he said he was a celebrity and would take a picture with me.... NO THANKS.  I stayed in the room and laid down for a bit, and mom went shopping for a little while.  We wanted to go to the 9/11 Memorial, but my lamesauce self ruined it by not feeling up to it.  We got ready and went to dinner at a cute the French place.  Then we head to our last show, Motown.  Such wonderful music.  Good show.  I mean, come on.  It is a Broadway show.

The rest of our trip is just travel.  For those involved I will not talk about the mean little lady that would not let mom in the security line with her bag.... just saying.  She was asking to get cut.

I know most people would think I am crazy for not doing more touristy stuff.  But I got to do the important things to me.  I do wish I would have gotten to do the bus tour.  But it gives me a reason to go back.  I had a great time.  I also got to think about a lot of things that I am sure will show up in a later blog.  I am especially grateful for the time I got to spend with my  mom.  We had a great time and I would not trade it.

Don't worry New York.  I will see you again.

M.I.A.

Hi there,
I know I have been MIA from the blog world lately.  There are many reasons for it.  Of which I will not share with you at the moment.  Either because I am not ready to share what has been going on, it is not my place to share, or it is not interesting.
Either way.  I want everyone to know, I am still here.  Still wanting to write.  But right now, I do not have anything ready to be written.  God is doing a lot in my life.  SO MUCH.  And it is not the most easy road.  I wake everyday to try and focus on trusting in Him.
I am choosing to believe something big (and good) is coming.  I have come too far in my walk with God to turn back now.
I want you all to know.  I love you all.  Thank you for those you have been there for me.  I am asking for one more favor.  If you have a moment, I would not mind your prayers.  To stay focused on God, and keep trusting Him.  You all are in my prayers, as well.  Anything specific?  I would love to hear about it.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I do not know if you have ever experienced this or not, but I have realized something lately.  And it is something God is trying to teach me how to deal with.  It seems to me, every time, or at least very often I try to do something good, it comes back to bite me.  This is especially true when it comes to trying to do something for God, to minister to others. 

I will admit that every single time I have written a new blog, the next day I am spiritually and emotionally attacked.  It is a very rough day. Every. Single. Time. I did not realize the correlation until a couple of blogs ago.  I did not know what to make of it.  I have considered stopping altogether. 

I am tired of fighting.  Not with anyone in real life.  But I am tired of fighting to be okay.  I have FINALLY gotten to a good place in my life after a decade of frustration.  Being content with where God has me and accepting His unconditional love.  And now, I try to use this silly blog and my writing to try and minister to others, and maybe give a little hope, all to get beaten down?  Well, I was not having it.  It did not seem worth it.

But then, I realized something.  There is probably a reason I would have a difficult time after trying to encourage others.  The evil one is not having it.  And am I going to let him win?  Heck, no.  It sounds simple enough, but as usual, I am a little slow on the uptake.

I am not saying that this blog is changing lives.  I am not that arrogant.  But it is something I believe God has called me to do, just in the hopes that one person can be ministered to.  Even if that person is just me, because I am processing and writing out what God has done for me.  It does not matter.  God has given me this gift, and it is wrong not to use it.

It goes for anything we are called to do.  It has happened in other areas of my life.  I feel I should love and encourage someone, only to get snapped at and hurt.  And I know I am too sensitive for my own good.  It comes with being a passionate person.  But now that I understand that even if it feels like I failed, and possibly did fail at what I was called to do it is not an excuse to stop doing it.  It actually could be an encouragement that you are doing something right.  Maybe. 

Life is going to be hard.  But that is when you have the greatest opportunity to experience the Lord's love.  If you know what He is asking of you, it is far better to do it than to not even try because you are scared of the pain that may come with it.  In the end, we all know which choice will reap rewards.  Don't let the evil one win. 

Keep looking for ways to minister. Keep doing good in the name of the Lord.  Keep seeking His will.  You may fail at it.  I do.  But get up, dust yourself off, and try again.  Don't shut it off because it hurts.  That only causes more pain. 

And if you need a shoulder to cry on, or and ear to listen while you vent when life hurts.  I am here.  I would love to love on you.