This is the scariest blog by far. I did not think I would ever actually make it to this point of writing it. At least not yet. Not while I am still in the midst of it. I was hoping to write this particular blog when I was healed, bright and shiny again. But it occurred to me today that maybe I can't make it to that point until I finally face it. So here goes. My most scary and vulnerable confession yet.
It is my belief I am entrenched in the middle of depression. Not the "I am sad because my goldfish is sick" sadness, but it hurts to live depression. I am pretty sure most of you all had that suspicion for awhile. But I could not admit it to myself. Until yesterday. I do not know why yesterday was different. But, I was finally brave enough to say it to myself, even if I knew it in my head and heart for awhile. It has been gradual, but I finally have come to the point where I can't deny it anymore.
I would have good days, and moments where I saw God working. And would take the opportunity to write a blog to prove I really was okay. But then another thing would come and push me down again. I did not want to admit it because I did not want to be a failure. To put that burden on my family and friends. Everyone has there own problems. I was trying to hide it, whether I was good at it or not. I also admit, this is not the first time I have struggled with depression/anxiety. It snuck up on me this time, one thing after another.
I will be honest, there are some VERY rough situations going on in my world. I kept getting angry at God, not understanding why it keeps piling on. Me feeling things like I do. He made me. Why is He doing this to me? And He rarely would speak to my heart. So I would just keep going day to day, waiting for Him to change my heart. To lift the burden. And so far, He has not. I think it is because He wants me to come face to face with it, to learn whatever lesson I will.
Here is why I am sharing this with those that read my blog. I feel so strongly in the Christian world depression and anxiety (both of which I have struggled with at different points in my life) are somewhat of a taboo topic. Let's be honest, it makes people uncomfortable. People do not know what to do with those suffering. And those suffering feel weak, less of a Christian. But this is wrong and HAS to change. Yes, it hurts and is uncomfortable. But you know what? Most things that do end up meaning the most. I have to face this. I am not alone. I am taking steps to get through this. I will make it.
But here is the thing. I would not have decided to take those steps if not for my family pushing me to finally face it. They probably do not even know they did it. Now they do. And to them I am forever grateful.
I hope that anyone that reads this that may have suffered or are suffering will lean on those around you. Take steps to feel better. Don't hide it. You are not shameful. God made you beautiful. You can and will be a miracle story to help someone else. Mine will be. These blogs show that. I learn little by little.
You may wonder how you can help me. If you read this, it is likely you care about me. I will tell you. Specifically pray for me. Specifically pray for those I love whom I am burdened for. There is a reason I hurt for them. I am taking steps to get better. To be the Lindsay you all know and love. Thank you for being there. I love you all.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Be the Miracle
I talk a lot about miracles in this blog. And to be perfectly honest, there are even more miracles I am praying for these days then when I started writing again. My heart is heavier than it ever has been. But my outlook has changed. I am still praying all day and every day for those miracles. But I also realized God does not only perform miracles in a showy manner. He uses us, His children to be there for each other. And not only that. Even more so, when we allow each other in out lives to be there for each other, we are the miracle our friends did not know they wanted. Let me explain.
I will start with the simpler one. We live in a terrible world. It is painful. Frustrating. Lonely. Confusing. And so we pray. But in the dark times we push others away. I am severely guilty of this. We are embarrassed to show emotions. Or do not want to "burden" others. Or it just hurts to be around others. But that is not how God made us. We all know that.
So here is my challenge. Yup, I am going to say it. I may regret it later. But, oh well. When friends are going through awful situations, we tend to back off. Not wanting to push or offend. Say the simple "Let me know if you need anything". And we mean it when we say it. But here is the thing. I have often found that hurting people do not reach out. They are striving just to make it through the day. So DO something. Even if it is uncomfortable. Write a note. Send a gift. Call and leave a message. Let them know you are ACTUALLY thinking about them and there for them. I am not saying show up 24 hours a day. But words only have meaning when there is action behind them. If the hurt one does not want to talk, don't. If they send you away, go, but don't give up. Try again another day. That is why God gave us the Holy Spirit. To listen and be His hands and feet to those around us. Jesus would not sit around waiting and we all know it. Be brave.
Secondly, the other side of the coin. Let people help when you are hurt. This is not just for you. We, as a people, need to be needed. We long to minister to others. But our culture makes it seem weak to need others. But it just isn't true. And when you let others help, not only is your burdened lifted, but they are blessed. And not only blessed, it gives the priceless gift of realizing they have worth.
I, personally, have also struggled with this one. More than I realized. I have been struggling, feeling that I am useless to those around me. I offer to help. No one accepts. I want to be a friend. To listen. To help. It is part of why I am in so much pain. I am not saying I am some saint, trying to do good deeds for others all day. I am admitting that it hurts that no one seems to need me. And I know that is not true. But we all go back to not wanting to be a burden, when it is the opposite that is true.
I think we all need to swallow our pride and ask for help. And actually give it. It is in times like that when God performs miracles. People are healed. The world sees Jesus in us. And isn't that the whole point? So be a miracle. Help and be helped.
I will start with the simpler one. We live in a terrible world. It is painful. Frustrating. Lonely. Confusing. And so we pray. But in the dark times we push others away. I am severely guilty of this. We are embarrassed to show emotions. Or do not want to "burden" others. Or it just hurts to be around others. But that is not how God made us. We all know that.
So here is my challenge. Yup, I am going to say it. I may regret it later. But, oh well. When friends are going through awful situations, we tend to back off. Not wanting to push or offend. Say the simple "Let me know if you need anything". And we mean it when we say it. But here is the thing. I have often found that hurting people do not reach out. They are striving just to make it through the day. So DO something. Even if it is uncomfortable. Write a note. Send a gift. Call and leave a message. Let them know you are ACTUALLY thinking about them and there for them. I am not saying show up 24 hours a day. But words only have meaning when there is action behind them. If the hurt one does not want to talk, don't. If they send you away, go, but don't give up. Try again another day. That is why God gave us the Holy Spirit. To listen and be His hands and feet to those around us. Jesus would not sit around waiting and we all know it. Be brave.
Secondly, the other side of the coin. Let people help when you are hurt. This is not just for you. We, as a people, need to be needed. We long to minister to others. But our culture makes it seem weak to need others. But it just isn't true. And when you let others help, not only is your burdened lifted, but they are blessed. And not only blessed, it gives the priceless gift of realizing they have worth.
I, personally, have also struggled with this one. More than I realized. I have been struggling, feeling that I am useless to those around me. I offer to help. No one accepts. I want to be a friend. To listen. To help. It is part of why I am in so much pain. I am not saying I am some saint, trying to do good deeds for others all day. I am admitting that it hurts that no one seems to need me. And I know that is not true. But we all go back to not wanting to be a burden, when it is the opposite that is true.
I think we all need to swallow our pride and ask for help. And actually give it. It is in times like that when God performs miracles. People are healed. The world sees Jesus in us. And isn't that the whole point? So be a miracle. Help and be helped.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
An Answer to Prayer
I want to start off saying that I truly do not know why God has called me to share this journey of mine with you. But I believe it is what I have been called to do, and if I have learned anything from the Bible and my life, if God is calling you to do something, best do it right quick. So here we go with another one.
More often than not, these blogs share my struggles and truths that I have learned from them. This one is not. Quite the opposite. I realized today a miracle has occurred in my heart. And I just HAD to share it with you all. But let's get some background information.
As I have shared before, and likely will again. I feel things. DEEPLY. Honestly, that seems like not enough to describe it. But there really is no other way, unless you have a secret machine where we could switch hearts and you feel mine and I yours. That would be crazy, and kinda awesome. Not the point. I have come to accept some people will never understand my heart, just like I will never understand others. God made us different on purpose. I used to be ashamed of how I was made. And because of how I feel things, I can honestly say more times than not, my heart has taken over and caused pain with no point to it. And instead of trusting God and using this gift of love and compassion, I dwell in the pain and let that win. NO more. So here is what happened today.
I am single. Granted, I know I have talked about not wanting people to only see that about me. But let's be real. It is a factor to part of my struggles as an adult. Not the only one, not at all. But it is definitely towards the top. My heart longs to love, encourage, support, etc. someone else on that level. And I have often felt I am missing out because I am not been granted that blessing yet. Especially with the gifts God has given me. And that hurt. So much. So many people said to appreciate my singledom. Oooooh. And sometimes I wanted to punch those people. Ok, not the point. I have made huge strides in being cool with being single. As I have shared. Seriously, jump back 5 years, I have grown a lot. But I will be completely forthcoming. I have never been 100% content with my singleness.
Even though I have learned a lot, there was always a little nagging in my silly heart. Especially when going out with friends who often talk about husbands/kids. Or another announcement of some sort. Not that I was not thrilled for them, I just felt like the kid left out of the cool kids club. I would wonder "What did I do wrong to get excluded?" I never got an answer. But you know what? That is okay!
And then a miracle happened today. I woke up. And for the first time in my life I was not just fine with being single, I was content, grateful even. It is like something in my heart and mind finally lined up and I accepted it. I laid in my bed and thanked God for it. I get to sleep in till an hour I will not share because it is not nice to brag. I get to do what I want to do. Go where I want. And most importantly, work on me.
With all these struggles, I have not been very social. Seriously, it hurt to go out. I have no idea why. But it is true. I was broken. For many reasons, it seemed my friends had backed away or disappeared. I asked God why. Again, no answer. But because I was in this solitude so often, I was forced to lean on God and look at myself (and let me tell you, not pretty). And through that God is healing me. And this is one way He has finally gotten through to me. And I am so grateful. I truly never thought I would get to this place in my life. I thought there would always be a little part of me that was devastated I have been alone for my whole life. So glad I was proven wrong.
I also realized something else through this. I am learning how to use this gift of compassion God has given me. To use the ache in my heart. And I am going to be brave and ask you to help.
I often am often overwhelmed by others difficulties and the pain of this world. I can't let it overwhelm me. That is when my emotions tell me to give up, it is not worth it, and there is no hope. But it simply isn't true. So I pray for them. And I am asking you to do the same. Prayer changes things. So it may seem odd, but I am done apologizing for things I feel God has called me to do. Here are some things that my heart is burdened for right now (I have not asked if I could put their names so I won't for now):
- The health of 3 wonderful people in my life
- The people we come in contact with daily that see no hope in life, struggling with mental health
- Those that do not accept the Truth of Jesus
- And finally, I have a specific friend that I have been burdened for awhile now (no idea why), that their heart is transformed and walk toward God.
I do not mean to sound arrogant. I wanted to share this break through. And ask for you to come alongside to pray for the things on my heart.
More often than not, these blogs share my struggles and truths that I have learned from them. This one is not. Quite the opposite. I realized today a miracle has occurred in my heart. And I just HAD to share it with you all. But let's get some background information.
As I have shared before, and likely will again. I feel things. DEEPLY. Honestly, that seems like not enough to describe it. But there really is no other way, unless you have a secret machine where we could switch hearts and you feel mine and I yours. That would be crazy, and kinda awesome. Not the point. I have come to accept some people will never understand my heart, just like I will never understand others. God made us different on purpose. I used to be ashamed of how I was made. And because of how I feel things, I can honestly say more times than not, my heart has taken over and caused pain with no point to it. And instead of trusting God and using this gift of love and compassion, I dwell in the pain and let that win. NO more. So here is what happened today.
I am single. Granted, I know I have talked about not wanting people to only see that about me. But let's be real. It is a factor to part of my struggles as an adult. Not the only one, not at all. But it is definitely towards the top. My heart longs to love, encourage, support, etc. someone else on that level. And I have often felt I am missing out because I am not been granted that blessing yet. Especially with the gifts God has given me. And that hurt. So much. So many people said to appreciate my singledom. Oooooh. And sometimes I wanted to punch those people. Ok, not the point. I have made huge strides in being cool with being single. As I have shared. Seriously, jump back 5 years, I have grown a lot. But I will be completely forthcoming. I have never been 100% content with my singleness.
Even though I have learned a lot, there was always a little nagging in my silly heart. Especially when going out with friends who often talk about husbands/kids. Or another announcement of some sort. Not that I was not thrilled for them, I just felt like the kid left out of the cool kids club. I would wonder "What did I do wrong to get excluded?" I never got an answer. But you know what? That is okay!
And then a miracle happened today. I woke up. And for the first time in my life I was not just fine with being single, I was content, grateful even. It is like something in my heart and mind finally lined up and I accepted it. I laid in my bed and thanked God for it. I get to sleep in till an hour I will not share because it is not nice to brag. I get to do what I want to do. Go where I want. And most importantly, work on me.
With all these struggles, I have not been very social. Seriously, it hurt to go out. I have no idea why. But it is true. I was broken. For many reasons, it seemed my friends had backed away or disappeared. I asked God why. Again, no answer. But because I was in this solitude so often, I was forced to lean on God and look at myself (and let me tell you, not pretty). And through that God is healing me. And this is one way He has finally gotten through to me. And I am so grateful. I truly never thought I would get to this place in my life. I thought there would always be a little part of me that was devastated I have been alone for my whole life. So glad I was proven wrong.
I also realized something else through this. I am learning how to use this gift of compassion God has given me. To use the ache in my heart. And I am going to be brave and ask you to help.
I often am often overwhelmed by others difficulties and the pain of this world. I can't let it overwhelm me. That is when my emotions tell me to give up, it is not worth it, and there is no hope. But it simply isn't true. So I pray for them. And I am asking you to do the same. Prayer changes things. So it may seem odd, but I am done apologizing for things I feel God has called me to do. Here are some things that my heart is burdened for right now (I have not asked if I could put their names so I won't for now):
- The health of 3 wonderful people in my life
- The people we come in contact with daily that see no hope in life, struggling with mental health
- Those that do not accept the Truth of Jesus
- And finally, I have a specific friend that I have been burdened for awhile now (no idea why), that their heart is transformed and walk toward God.
I do not mean to sound arrogant. I wanted to share this break through. And ask for you to come alongside to pray for the things on my heart.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
My New Hero: The Persistent Widow
As shocking as it sounds, a little while ago, while doing my devotions I came across a parable that I did not remember ever hearing before. Crazy, I know. I mean, this is the girl that grew up in what I lovingly call the "Christian Mafia" (there are A LOT of people in my family involved in the ministry). I grew up going to church every Sunday, involved in youth group, went on all the missions trips. I went to a Bible College. Yet, this one seemed to pass by me my whole life and not make a mark in my mind. Granted, it is only 8 verses long. But man, it hit my hard. And has given me indescribable hope in the darkest moments. So, I wanted to share.
It is found in the book of Luke. Chapter 18, verses 1-8. It is called the Persistent Widow. Go read it. Seriously. Just open a new tab, type in the reference and read it. I will wait...... Ok. Done?
WHOA!!!! AM I RIGHT???
Okay, maybe it does not hit you like it did me. And I am not here to preach a sermon about it. I am not one of the Preaching Engrams as aforementioned. Definitely not my spiritual gift. But you know what is? Mercy and prayer. But more on that in a bit.
Here is the point of this. This widow is my hero. She does not give up on asking what she wants. I am sure it was not easy for her to get up and go EVERY SINGLE DAY to go plead her wishes with a mean, old judge. She does not care if she is a bother, or annoying. Does not matter. She is too focused on pleading her case. No matter what the cost.
Man. There have been so many points in my journey I have wanted to give up and not deal with the pain anymore. Give up asking. Give up on God. Walk away. All of it. But then I read this. And it even says in the first verse that He is telling this to show His disciples to always pray and not give up. And this widow was talking to an unfair, jerkface judge. I talk to my loving God in Heaven. Who wants to give me the desires of my heart. He wants me to share with Him.
So I do. Everyday. ALL day. Even though, I sometimes (more often than I should admit) feel like He is not listening. Does not matter. When I feel there is no use. Or that there really is no point. I remember this parable. He wants to hear from me. Even if it is the same things I pray for day in and day out. I have learned I love praying. I am a talker and I use it to talk to Jesus. I admit I am still learning the skill of listening too, but that is for another day.
So even if you feel like God is not listening. Or it is not worth it to keep praying to God over the same thing. It is. Jesus said so himself. Prayer changes things. I believe that truth with my entire being.
Which brings me to my last thought. I would LOVE to pray for you. Please. It is an honor and a blessing. Text, call, private message. And if you every think of it, I would not mind prayers too (for wisdom, family healing, new job, burden for my friends). God wants to hear all of it. And as brothers and sisters in Christ, this is one way we can be there for each other and bring glory to God.
Friday, June 27, 2014
The Heart of the Problem
So I realize that I have been pretty vague about what has been the reason for my pain and suffering this past year. And to be honest, a large chunk of my entire life. It is not the only reason. But it all stems back to this one. Maybe because it took me a long time to actually put it into words. Because it is dangerous, hurtful to others, and taboo for a person in my situation. But here it is:
I had never truly felt truly loved. Even and especially by God.
It is true. I mean, loved in a way that I was not an obligation for others. There is no logical reason for me to feel that way. I grew up in the best situation a person could ask for in this life. A loving and supportive family. Always learning about God. Good friends. Great opportunities for education. Never wanting for a job. All of it. It all has come relatively easy. But there it is. I still never felt wanted. Lying underneath all the picture perfect life, I felt I was just an obligation.
My family had to love me. They are my family. My friends said they loved me because that is what you do. Not that I did not think they did in a way, just not real love. And God, well, He loves everyone. So I was nothing special to Him. Love for me was just His duty as God. There is no explaining it, it does not makes sense. But subconsciously, that is where I was until pretty recently. There could be many reasons for why I felt that way. Such as, I took my family's love for granted. Or that there has been very few (not even a few, MAYBE 2) men to care for me in a romantic way. It could be that I am a people-pleaser and assumed people only wanted to be friends with me solely because of what I brought to the table, not just for me. I was too much of a burden with my quirkiness and emotions. It is all these things, along with the fact that we live in a fallen world and the evil one has run havoc on my heart and mind for much too long in this area.
It did not matter what people said or did. And that is awful. I lost friends because I could not see or accept their love. I just did not think I was loved for my entire person. By them or God. As I said, I did not realize this until recently. And it is my belief this is why I am going through what I am right now. God does love me beyond anything I could do or imagine. Enough to turn my life on its head until my stubborn heart sees the Truth. All the lessons I have learned point back to this one. If I do not believe I am loved, I can't trust God. Or minister to others. Or live an abundant life. Or really believe my miracle is coming. Or be loved by another person. Oooooooooh. Burn. Or have any hope for anything. So. It has not been easy, but I am working very hard to train how I think and live to see the love others have for me.
God has been here the whole time. Revealing things when I was ready to hear them. If I was not ready to hear things and accept them, they would do no good. Which is why that whole "God's timing is best" we hear 1,000 times a day, is for real. But if you are not ready to hear or accept that, it does no good.
He does love me. Not just because He loves everyone. I am special to Him. I can not tell you how many very specific ways He has shown me that. Often, I do not see them until after. I believe He started this process almost 2 years ago. He brought and used people into my life that reached me in ways no one has before. He put me in situations that hurt like hell, but now I see was Him calling out to me to lean on Him, because He loves me. He has been relentless. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.
And now that I see He does, I see how much the people in my life do, too. Truly. Thank you for loving me. And not giving up on me. Even when I did not accept or believe your love. It is a work in progress, but I am learning. No more feeling unloved. He has made me realize I am worthy to accept love.
I had never truly felt truly loved. Even and especially by God.
It is true. I mean, loved in a way that I was not an obligation for others. There is no logical reason for me to feel that way. I grew up in the best situation a person could ask for in this life. A loving and supportive family. Always learning about God. Good friends. Great opportunities for education. Never wanting for a job. All of it. It all has come relatively easy. But there it is. I still never felt wanted. Lying underneath all the picture perfect life, I felt I was just an obligation.
My family had to love me. They are my family. My friends said they loved me because that is what you do. Not that I did not think they did in a way, just not real love. And God, well, He loves everyone. So I was nothing special to Him. Love for me was just His duty as God. There is no explaining it, it does not makes sense. But subconsciously, that is where I was until pretty recently. There could be many reasons for why I felt that way. Such as, I took my family's love for granted. Or that there has been very few (not even a few, MAYBE 2) men to care for me in a romantic way. It could be that I am a people-pleaser and assumed people only wanted to be friends with me solely because of what I brought to the table, not just for me. I was too much of a burden with my quirkiness and emotions. It is all these things, along with the fact that we live in a fallen world and the evil one has run havoc on my heart and mind for much too long in this area.
It did not matter what people said or did. And that is awful. I lost friends because I could not see or accept their love. I just did not think I was loved for my entire person. By them or God. As I said, I did not realize this until recently. And it is my belief this is why I am going through what I am right now. God does love me beyond anything I could do or imagine. Enough to turn my life on its head until my stubborn heart sees the Truth. All the lessons I have learned point back to this one. If I do not believe I am loved, I can't trust God. Or minister to others. Or live an abundant life. Or really believe my miracle is coming. Or be loved by another person. Oooooooooh. Burn. Or have any hope for anything. So. It has not been easy, but I am working very hard to train how I think and live to see the love others have for me.
God has been here the whole time. Revealing things when I was ready to hear them. If I was not ready to hear things and accept them, they would do no good. Which is why that whole "God's timing is best" we hear 1,000 times a day, is for real. But if you are not ready to hear or accept that, it does no good.
He does love me. Not just because He loves everyone. I am special to Him. I can not tell you how many very specific ways He has shown me that. Often, I do not see them until after. I believe He started this process almost 2 years ago. He brought and used people into my life that reached me in ways no one has before. He put me in situations that hurt like hell, but now I see was Him calling out to me to lean on Him, because He loves me. He has been relentless. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.
And now that I see He does, I see how much the people in my life do, too. Truly. Thank you for loving me. And not giving up on me. Even when I did not accept or believe your love. It is a work in progress, but I am learning. No more feeling unloved. He has made me realize I am worthy to accept love.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Painful Lessons
Ok. Not sure how this one is going to go. I have not written for almost 2 months. I think mostly for two reasons. One, I had nothing to say that I thought anyone would care to read. And two, and more likely, in my last post I talked about thinking my miracle finally coming soon. And it hasn't. So I guess I am/was ashamed.
It has been a roller coaster of a two months. Ups and downs. And no miracle. At least no miracle that I expected. It would be remiss of me to say that I have not seen glimpses of God here and there, working on me and my prayers. But I am so fickle, I forget that from day to day. Anyway, not really why I am writing. Actually, not even sure of why I am writing. I just felt the urge to, and I can't ignore it, especially since it has been so long. I actually think that may be the point of this entry. Doing things that don't make sense in my brain, but I still feel the urge to do from God.
I have to say. I have learned so much about myself this past year. I can not tell you why God is taking me through this. And I have learned, just as in the story of Job, I have no right to ask God why He does what He does. That took awhile for me to understand. I was of the mind that I did not deserve this. I would ask God why He made me this way. To feel things so deeply, to the point of it being painful. To make it so I feel isolated, yet it be difficult to be around other people. And then He not answer my crying out. But really, I deserve much worse. We all do. Ok, lesson learned. Trying to change my thinking. Trust Him.
I still do not understand so much of what is going on. And yes, it causes pain. Pain a lot of people do not understand. So many in my life have peaced out because they can not handle being around me in my pain. Or they do not understand it. Or other reasons I am not sure of. Or there are those that think they are helping by giving advice every single time they see me. And as I have mentioned before, even the most well meaning piece of advice can still sting harshly at the wrong moment (See "miserable comforters" in Job). That hurt. But I have realized. It is okay. We all feel and see things differently. I have come to realize my passion and compassion for things in life is a gift. I can use that in ways others cannot. And I do know without a doubt, God is going to use this time for me to minister to others that deal with things like I do someday. And praise the Lord for that.
I admit. This is not a journey I would have taken on willingly. Which is why God is in control. I am still very much in the midst of the struggle. I have good days and bad days, thankfully more good than what they previously were. But anyone that has been around me likely knows I am still not myself. It is a battle sometimes just to go out. I mean, I was bawling in church on Sunday, and that was just during worship. I am trying. I am healing. Truly. I look back and see how much of a different person I am now. My way of thinking is different than it was, in a good way.
I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. I am striving to look only to God and actually trust Him in my heart AND my mind. Easy to say, not easy to do. All this to say. I have made so many mistakes and likely caused much hurt this past year. For that I am sorry. But. I am learning and growing closer to Him. And for that reason alone I praise Him. It is okay for me and it is okay for you to hurt. I rarely talk about my struggles in person because I still do not know what it is all about (and I get emotional which can be embarrassing for all involved). God has not seen fit to share that with me. Maybe He never will. I am okay with that. I think. And I write better than I speak (I think). I am not saying if I happen to see or talk to you in the near future to act as if our lives are all sunshine and rainbows. I have never been one to be fake and gloss over the hardships in life. If you ask how I am, I will give you a real answer. I always do. A hug and consistent prayers for me will also never be denied. On the contrary, they are appreciated and I am grateful. People still mean so much to me, but I have to rely solely on God to learn this lesson.
I hope/believe/know someday God will use this time in my life to help others. For now I can honestly say I am grateful for the struggle because I have learned more about my Jesus through this. Last week, not sure I can say I felt that. Not sure I can ask for more right now.
I love you all.
It has been a roller coaster of a two months. Ups and downs. And no miracle. At least no miracle that I expected. It would be remiss of me to say that I have not seen glimpses of God here and there, working on me and my prayers. But I am so fickle, I forget that from day to day. Anyway, not really why I am writing. Actually, not even sure of why I am writing. I just felt the urge to, and I can't ignore it, especially since it has been so long. I actually think that may be the point of this entry. Doing things that don't make sense in my brain, but I still feel the urge to do from God.
I have to say. I have learned so much about myself this past year. I can not tell you why God is taking me through this. And I have learned, just as in the story of Job, I have no right to ask God why He does what He does. That took awhile for me to understand. I was of the mind that I did not deserve this. I would ask God why He made me this way. To feel things so deeply, to the point of it being painful. To make it so I feel isolated, yet it be difficult to be around other people. And then He not answer my crying out. But really, I deserve much worse. We all do. Ok, lesson learned. Trying to change my thinking. Trust Him.
I still do not understand so much of what is going on. And yes, it causes pain. Pain a lot of people do not understand. So many in my life have peaced out because they can not handle being around me in my pain. Or they do not understand it. Or other reasons I am not sure of. Or there are those that think they are helping by giving advice every single time they see me. And as I have mentioned before, even the most well meaning piece of advice can still sting harshly at the wrong moment (See "miserable comforters" in Job). That hurt. But I have realized. It is okay. We all feel and see things differently. I have come to realize my passion and compassion for things in life is a gift. I can use that in ways others cannot. And I do know without a doubt, God is going to use this time for me to minister to others that deal with things like I do someday. And praise the Lord for that.
I admit. This is not a journey I would have taken on willingly. Which is why God is in control. I am still very much in the midst of the struggle. I have good days and bad days, thankfully more good than what they previously were. But anyone that has been around me likely knows I am still not myself. It is a battle sometimes just to go out. I mean, I was bawling in church on Sunday, and that was just during worship. I am trying. I am healing. Truly. I look back and see how much of a different person I am now. My way of thinking is different than it was, in a good way.
I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. I am striving to look only to God and actually trust Him in my heart AND my mind. Easy to say, not easy to do. All this to say. I have made so many mistakes and likely caused much hurt this past year. For that I am sorry. But. I am learning and growing closer to Him. And for that reason alone I praise Him. It is okay for me and it is okay for you to hurt. I rarely talk about my struggles in person because I still do not know what it is all about (and I get emotional which can be embarrassing for all involved). God has not seen fit to share that with me. Maybe He never will. I am okay with that. I think. And I write better than I speak (I think). I am not saying if I happen to see or talk to you in the near future to act as if our lives are all sunshine and rainbows. I have never been one to be fake and gloss over the hardships in life. If you ask how I am, I will give you a real answer. I always do. A hug and consistent prayers for me will also never be denied. On the contrary, they are appreciated and I am grateful. People still mean so much to me, but I have to rely solely on God to learn this lesson.
I hope/believe/know someday God will use this time in my life to help others. For now I can honestly say I am grateful for the struggle because I have learned more about my Jesus through this. Last week, not sure I can say I felt that. Not sure I can ask for more right now.
I love you all.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Labor Pains
I have never given birth. I hope to someday, God-willing. But I hear it is not the most relaxing experience. Now I am not trying to say I have any idea about what it feels like. So no one needs to get their feathers all ruffled because I am claiming to understand what it is like to be pregnant or to give birth. Believe me, I try my hardest not to claim understanding feelings or pain that I have no business claiming. For many reasons. Anyways. Getting off topic here. The reason I bring up giving birth and the pain that goes along with it, is because though I do not understand that particularly event literally, I understand the concept.
It starts off with one contraction pain. Then another a little while later. Then as time goes on the pains become more frequent and intense. I imagine as this pain happens for some, one can forget the miracle that is coming in the end. A weak person like me can not see past the pain, the hurt happening right at that moment. So I have gotten into the habit reminding myself that these are just labor pains.
The tricky part is, my pain is not necessarily the most clear or understandable to others. Nor is it easy to explain to others. We are all different. My feelings and pain are foreign to many people in my life. I am an intense person. And I have to decided to try and stop apologizing and feeling bad for not being able to explain myself. I know who I am. God does too. Better than I do. I often can not even understand the reason for the hurt I am going through. He and I also know that I am doing my darndest (cleaned that up a bit) to grow, learn and heal. It is taking awhile. As most worthwhile things do. Just look at all the stories in the Bible. Time is a key factor.
It starts off with one contraction pain. Then another a little while later. Then as time goes on the pains become more frequent and intense. I imagine as this pain happens for some, one can forget the miracle that is coming in the end. A weak person like me can not see past the pain, the hurt happening right at that moment. So I have gotten into the habit reminding myself that these are just labor pains.
The tricky part is, my pain is not necessarily the most clear or understandable to others. Nor is it easy to explain to others. We are all different. My feelings and pain are foreign to many people in my life. I am an intense person. And I have to decided to try and stop apologizing and feeling bad for not being able to explain myself. I know who I am. God does too. Better than I do. I often can not even understand the reason for the hurt I am going through. He and I also know that I am doing my darndest (cleaned that up a bit) to grow, learn and heal. It is taking awhile. As most worthwhile things do. Just look at all the stories in the Bible. Time is a key factor.
As I was reminding myself of different stories in the Bible where God's children had to go through high and low times to get to their blessing I realized something. As much as I wish I was more like Joseph, chilling in prison for years and still holding on to faith in God; or like Job, who got everything taken away yet still trusted God, I am not. I realized I am like good old King David. Now they may sound like a brag. But it is not. Have you read the Psalms??? David was an emotional guy. Another word for it is passionate. He had some great wonderful times he wrote about. Dancing in the streets, praising God for his blessings. And we all know how much I like to dance. But then there are those Psalms that are pretty emo and dark. Very opposite sides of the spectrum. All one guy. That is me. Completely. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay for me to feel the way that I do. I have pounded it into my head for so long that there is something wrong with me because of how my heart works.
And what comes at the end of labor?? A miracle. That only God can bring about. So I have to trust, be a vessel, try to honor Him and learn from the pain.
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