Saturday, January 22, 2011

Home, Sweet Home

Well it has been 2 months since I have posted. First of all because I flew home and had so much to do with the holidays. Second, I had papers to write so did not allow myself to write for fun. And third, since I was home not much has happened. Well, that I was ready to share yet. But now, I am going to attempt to. I will start by saying this may be a little bit of an incoherent blog entry. I am still trying to figure out what I want to write and say, so who knows what this is going to look like. So, be prepared for rambling.... but that is not new for me.
So, I fly back to Bath in a little over a week. Crazy. On one hand it feels like I have been home for AGES. On the other, I can't believe I am leaving again, and this time for the long haul. It has been quite interesting being home. Do not get me wrong, I loved that I got to see family, friends, etc. But it was different. Not bad or good. Just different. First of all, coming home reiterated that I was right in going to England. Not that I do not ache for home when I am there, but more that I am not supposed to be here at this point in my life. All of the anxious feeling of being single, without a family of my own, having no opportunities with a career I love, and just feeling a bit out of place here were brought back. Even only being gone for those few months changed me. For the better. I feel like I am finally on the long journey to getting to truly loving me for me and being fully independent because of going to England. But I still have a long ways to go. And I want to actually DO something while I am go back. I had finally settled in Bath and then came home. So when I get back it will be great to hit the ground running without all the settling stuff. Let's do this thing.
Now, to talk about home. Sitting here in my bed on this Saturday, talking to my friends and family on the phone, thinking how easy it is to see them, my heart is starting to ache thinking I am leaving again. It was amazing being able to see my grandparents and aunt in TX. Then cousins in San Diego. And all the Engram side. My parents have been wonderful letting me live with them these past couple months. Mitchell, you crack me up, growing up and all. And Jacqui, sigh, with you having your man, kinda crazy that you are growing up too. But thankful we could talk and text so easily while I was home.
I realized while in England and was very much shown when I got home how amazing my friends here are. (Already tearing up thinking about it). I have joined an accountability/ Bible reading group with Violet, Jaime, and Kim and it has been more than fabulous meeting the past few weeks. Now, I am giving up seeing and laughing with them. The are three of the best women I have ever met and such an encouragement in my faith and everything else in my life. And talking with Rori, who else can I talk with and discuss cheesy shows and movies with? And also other more serious things, but we won't get up into that. Then my ladies, Ness and Kristen. No other 2 girls my age take me as I am and love my ridiculousness and stories. And then there are others.... Bre, I love that you and I can make fun, but still have such a great heart. And Lissa. Kinda mad you left me to take on England alone. So, no comments for you.
All this to say I am so sad to be leaving. Sadder then I thought I would be. I really have been enjoying England, but there is no one there like there is here. Yet I know that is where I have to go. I do not understand it. I really do not belong in AZ, at least for now. And Bath is not home. I feel kinda in limbo. I started looking at that idea negatively, like I am a woman without a real "home", but I am determined not to. I have decided to look at it that there are innumerable possibilities ahead of me, and how exciting is that? Who knows where I get to end up. My friends, that are truly my friends, will always be there. And my family, I can't get rid of them..... LOL, thankfully. So although I have no official place to call home, I still have people that love me, on both sides of the world and I can't ask for more.
My heart does ache, but I would rather it ache because I have people love me than to not have it at all. I am also thankful that though I am sad to leave, I know I must. It is a comfort to know I am in the Lord's hands and that He has me right where I need to be. And my story is just beginning in jolly old England.
I have always felt I love deeply, and I am so blessed to have people I can share that with. And like I said when leaving the first time, England won't know what hit her, and she still won't. Linds is coming back, more sassy than ever. Let's do this thing.
Thanks to those that let me love them, and love me back.