Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ouch, it hurts

SO, I just got up from laying in bed and having one of those ugly cries.... again. This blog is going to be different than my other ones. I do not have a moral I have reached with this one. Not because I do not know the lesson to be learned. I DO know it. All too well. I could give you every version anyone in the whole world has every thought of for this story I am about to write. But as I lay in bed crying and praying I decided I just had to write. Isn't that the point of a blog? Maybe by the end I will write the moral, I do not know. But right now I am not in a "tra la la, how can I learn from this" type of mood.
I am hurting. I am tired. I am lonely. I am sad. I am sick of putting on my friendly face so the people here do not get scared, and the people at home are not sad that I am sad. But guess what, it happens. I am a million miles from home and I am sad about it. And then there are the struggles I dealt with at home, that do not go away with moving across the world.
I am so alone. And I mean humanly. Obviously, I have God and He is enough. But really, I do believe and know that we are not supposed to live in this world as an island. So WHY have I had to go my entire adult life alone? Now I am not talking about friends. Of course I have friends. But it is not the same. They all have their own families. They have husbands and wives and kids. And even if they are not married, they 98 percent of the time have a very significant other that takes first priority. And if they don't have significant others, they still get paid attention to by the opposite sex. I am not saying this is the only reason I am sad. It isn't. But I just do not understand why God has had me be alone for all these years. I DO know He has a plan. I DO know His will is best. But that does not make it any less difficult.
And then I get this genius idea to move to a new country things could possibly be different. It isn't. It is worse. Everyone I have met my age is married or gross. And all the logical arguments run through my head "Lindsay, you have hardly been here. Lindsay, give it time. Lindsay, it is not about this." etc.... But once again. Still does not make is easier.
And then to add on top of it, it is now even harder to talk to my friends from home. Not only are we on different time schedules but since I am not there, it is easier to not be able to connect. More so than when I was home.
I know this is sounding like a bratty tantrum. It is. But I do not know what else to do. I do not know where else to go. So I write. And cry. And cry while I write. I do not care if the people reading this are thinking I not trusting God enough. I feel that too. It makes it harder that my faith isn't as strong as it needs to be.
Basically, I am having a really rough time with homesickness right now. And as crazy as it sounds I wanted to remember this time for when things are better to see how faithful God was.
It was not the amazing adventure I thought it would be... yet.
Everything on the outside is fine. I feel school is fine. My job is fine. I found a nice church. Still the same problems I had at home, but even harder since I do not have that family and friends circle right there. I guess part of me was thinking I could change this feeling by running away. It didn't.
Burn on me.