Sunday, October 24, 2010

This is how a heart breaks

So this will be a quick one....maybe. But very important to me. I do have a fun blog a brewing but I will do it Tuesday. But this one needed to be shared right now. And it is quite personal, but I feel very strongly about it and felt others could benefit from it too.
As my family and close friends know, sometimes I have a confidence issue. Which ultimately boils down to having issues with believing I am truly loved. Now in my logical head I know I am loved by God and family and friends. But sometimes, too often, I let the idea creep in that they only do it because they have to. Awful, right? I do not know why I think like this. And then I get frustrated with myself for buying into that ridiculous idea..... anyways, long story short.
I have really really been wrestling with this issue the past few weeks. I do not know if it is because I am extra vulnerable right now or what. But, after letting my emotions get the better of me a couple days ago I had had it. I let the self esteem issue come in and win for a bit. And so I have been praying and thinking about trying to get through this the past 36 hours or so. And right now I was writing in my journal and something kinda clicked. I had heard it before, but a lot of times when people preach at me, I don't like hearing it.
I was writing about how I had upset a friend who was just trying to help and love me, because of my confidence issue. I didn't truly listen to them at first. I only saw the negative. And for a short time that day I thought only about how I had failed. Well, when I found out it hurt them them it broke my heart. I love people so much and the very last thing in the world I would ever want to do is hurt someone I love. (Actually that is a sure fire way to get the ugly cry out of me).
Anyway, so I was thinking that when my family/friends are trying to help me, it is not about trying to show me how I fail, they are loving me and trying to be there. And when I do not believe that they could love me enough that HURTS them. I know this sounds simple, but it wasn't in my head. Because I went negative and was hurt and would not accept the love it hurts them.
And then this thought came to me. The same thing goes for God. Only a MUCH greater scale. WHOA. I was hurting my Lord because of my selfish insecurities. wow. Never EVER would I have thought my confidence issue would be sin. When I doubt that He loves me and is taking care of me. When I get upset that His plan is not going them"right" way. When I feel subpar in everything I do. It is a TOTAL slap in God's face. Way to be humbled Linds. So although I likely will still struggle, I am going to try and think that every time I let my self-esteem win and makes me feel like I could not be totally loved, it is really hurting God.
I know this may sound simple, but truly, 10 minutes ago on my bed here in Bath there was a lightening bolt epiphany. I hope you all know I love you. And know you love me too. I am sorry for ever doubting it. I am praying I can get over it.