Sunday, January 19, 2014

Something is Coming...

Ok, so there is a reason I started writing in this blog again.  Many different people from all areas of my life mentioned to me that maybe I should start writing again.  Whether to encourage others who can relate to certain situations I have experienced or currently experiencing, as a hobby to fill my time,  to get better for future opportunities, or just simply for entertainment purposes. Either way, I could no longer ignore the nudging from God.  So in saying all that, I want to write down that I believe in my life something major is coming.  That sound ominous,  but I mean it in the best way possible.  Let me explain:

Over the past year I have gone through some of the most painful, stretching, growing experiences of my life.  I likely will talk about that at some point or another.  But I will tell you, I am not ready to talk about it all, yet.  Because I do not think God is done and I do not want to jump the gun on what it is going to be.  Anyway, because of the things I have gone through, I am a different person.  At first, I thought I was the only one who saw/felt it.  But I actually have had people tell me they have seen a difference (I hope/think for the better).  Here are some of the things that have changed in my world.

First of all, I live absolutely by myself in an apartment.  I have kinda done this before, but it was always in a dorm life kind of situation. Even in Bath, I shared a kitchen with others.  Not now.  I have my own place, take care of myself completely and I love it.  Most of the time.  It can get lonely, but hey, who doesn't get lonely sometimes?  But I had to get over that.  I also have started working out regularly.  Some of you may think this is not a big deal, but BELIEVE ME, it is.  I hated working out before.  I did not like getting sweaty and was lazy, to be perfectly honest.  But now, it bothers me when I do not work out.  And it has started showing physically.  I have not been on a scale in years, but I know I have lost weight because of my clothes, the mirror and what others have said to me.  And I will be honest.  I am proud.  I never thought I would be that girl.  I take pride in my appearance now.  Which brings me a little deeper in some of my changes....

I see myself differently than I used to.  Physically and emotionally. I am sure many of my friends and family can attest that I have not had the best self image growing up.  I do not know why.  But it was there.  But then God sent some very special people into my life that slowly but surely helped me see myself through different eyes.  I am proud of who I am, on the inside and out.  I do not believe it is arrogance, but I know now that God did not make a "less than" person.  I am so thankful that God, my family, and friends did not give up on that part of me, because with the confidence I know have, I can do so much more.  Which has helped get me through some rough times.

Now something more painful I have had to deal with this year is friendships/relationships.  This one, I still struggle with because I love so much.  Since most people my age are married with young children I often feel out of the loop.  I feel like "one of these things is not like the other" so very often.  And that still happens.  And I have had to experience the fact that although I give 110% in how I love people, some people are just not made that way.  As much as I try to pour into others, sometimes they just do not have the time, energy, or care to give it back.  And it has hurt me so much; more than I care to admit.  But I have to be okay with that.  I also have come to realize, that even if a person is my friend, they can still deeply wound me.  I have tended to put my trust into people much more than was probably wise.  Not saying I do not trust and love people now, but I need to make sure God is the One I trust all of my heart with, not humans.  No matter how kind and loving a friend is, they still have the potential to hurt you, whether they mean to or not.  I know this sounds negative, but to me it actually helped me grow up a lot and realize who I need to truly trust in.  Which brings me to the next and final one (at least for this entry).

Over this very painful year, I have come to fully realize how amazing my God is.  He is there no matter what.  I have had so much heartbreak this year, in pretty much every area of my life you could name. I will not get into details now, but my heart has been shattered over and over this past year, in ways I never thought possible.  And I will be honest.  God and I had some words, often.  I am not one to hold back on my feelings.  And you know what?  I think that is okay.  I think God would rather hear my entire heart, than for me to be scared to share it with Him.  But through all that I have come to know Him and trust Him on a deeper level I never thought was there.  He never judged me, or scolded me, or ignored me for what I needed to say.  I mean, I grew up in the church (don't be shocked), knew all the Bible stories and heard all about God being the only One a person can truly rely on.  But I never really got the whole thing of God being enough, even if no one else was there.   My relationship with Him has come to a point that I am actually so thankful for what I have gone through and the pain I am experiencing.  I never thought I would be that "good" of a Christian.  Truly.  I thought people were fakers and liars that acted joyful about trials.  Not so.  I mean, do not get me wrong, I will never be one of those people who does not show my real emotions, that is not who I am.  But I can honestly say, I am thankful for the incredible pain and trials I have gone through because I know my Jesus on a deeper level. 

Which brings me to the point of this blog.  I will tell you.  Everything that has been hurting me is actually still very much a part of my life.  I realized that nothing has changed in those situations.  If anything they have gotten more difficult.  But I have changed.  My heart has changed.  How I view things has changed.  And I believe something is coming soon.  Something amazing. I do not know what it is.  God has taught me not to assume or try to figure it out (that just causes more pain).  But.  Though there is still crazy pain in my heart, there is hope.  Incredible hope.  God has taught me to hope.  And to believe His promises that He is there for the broken-hearted and discouraged.  And I can not tell you how He has spoken to my heart and promised me that He will bring me through this.  And He does not break promises.  He is good.  And loves me and you so very much.  I actually get excited when I think about it. 

So when I have my rough days and can't get past the pain, I HAVE to remember there is hope.  And something is coming.  I even give you permission to remind me of that if you see me downtrodden.  And if you are going through a difficult time, talk to Him.  Let Him teach you.  Trust me, it is worth it in the end.

PS  Do not think I think all people in my life have hurt me or are terrible. Not so.  I look back and see God has put different people in my life at the exact moment I needed them to help and encourage.  But the point of this was to explain how I realized that God is enough, if it was just Him.  Thankfully, He does use amazing people in my life to help me through my journey, and hopefully I help them.