Sunday, March 23, 2014

Confession: I am a Selfish Beast

So I had sort of a revelation today at church.  I am a selfish beast. 

I do not know where to start.  Here I am.  Been complaining and wailing for the past who knows how long and I realize how incredibly selfish I have been.  Everyone kept saying I am so blessed.  I need to be thankful.  Here is the weird part.  I could see that.  My brain knew it. But I could not feel it, as hard as I tried.  I have been too busy throwing a pity party.  And no one was invited but me. 

There is no doubt I am feeling legitimate pain.  That things are tough right now.  Absolutely.  No one is denying that.  But that has been my focus for so long, I do not know how to focus on anything else.  I took it too far.  I did need to start taking care of myself and learn to have confidence.  But in usual Lindsay-fashion I went the extreme route.  God used the pain to teach me independence from people, confidence, and to lean on Him.  Got to the place of loving me, but then instead of learning the skills needed there and keep moving on to God's plan, I decided to set up camp and stay.  And I got angry and bitter about the pain I was going through.  And every time a new blow came,  I focused on how awful my world is, instead of looking to God and saying "Okay, let's do this".  I thought I was, but really I was just pretending to believe God was handling it, all the while thinking I have to handle this pain by myself.  I thought I was being noble.  Ugh, gross Lindsay.  

Maybe because I have been so blinded thus far at His hand in all of this.  I was trying to look like a good Christian and say God is taking care of me, but to be honest, there was/is still a small part of me that is unsure that He is really going to save me from this pain.  Since He has not done it yet, my weak faith isn't grasping completely that He does truly love me, and will save me from this.  And it is a very small part, but still, it is wrong and should not be there.  

I also thought because of my pain I am dealing with right now, I am not strong enough to be any good to anyone.  This is not a self-esteem thing.  This was a can't see past the end of my nose thing.  Instead of trying to look past the hurt, I stayed put.  To be honest, I was scared, and still am to put myself out there to get hurt more.  So like the pansy I am, I have holed my heart up and pushed friends away.  And I am devastated by that.  It very well may be that I have lost some dear friends because of my selfish actions.  I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.  

I am saying this all as a confession.  Through this journey I have had many ups and downs.  Here is the weird part.  At this point, when I have realized how selfish I have been, I am feeling a little bit of the burden being lifted.  Because I looked it square in the face, repented of it and am going to work hard not to let it beat me again.  

Not going to lie.  This is a rough one to share.  I may not.  I feel pretty vulnerable right now.  But I decided to share this journey with people awhile ago, and this one is as deep as I have gotten, thus far.  So, I am sorry for being so selfish and bitter and angry.  That is not who God would have me be.  I will try to do better.    

Now here comes the best part.  And shown how much I have grown.  Instead of being in despair for realizing how sinful and stupid I have been (as I would have in the past) I feel some joy and peace in my heart.  Set Free!!!  Praise the Lord! And know the love God has for me.  It was always there, I just was too blind to see it. I knew it in my head.  But as you know, my head and heart do not often agree.  Thank you, Jesus.  I am ready to see what God has for me to glorify Him.  Exciting.