Sunday, April 13, 2014

That Game-Changing Moment

So I could be having to eat the words I write today, but I am still going to risk it and share what I believe is happening in my world these days.  And risk is exactly what I am going to be writing about.

There are some things that have happened in the past few weeks where it would seem God is setting up for some major changes for me.  And I believe in my heart that the changes are absolutely for the better, but also very scary.  That the past year of pain and turmoil have been leading up to a moment that seems to be approaching quickly.  I have finally gotten to a place where I do not ache like I did before over the loss and hurt I have been experiencing. My selfish and arrogant heart (see last blog post) has finally accepted that God does love me more than I could imagine and already has in motion an amazing plan for my life.  Now when I start feeling anxious or frustrated or another bump in the road comes along, I am making an effort to not let it get to me and instead say "Okay God, let's do this."  And what a difference it has made.

Now do not get me wrong, I have no idea if what I am saying truly will come in the time frame I think it will or not, but all sources point to it possibly coming down the pike rather soon.  For example, I have been less than thrilled with my career.  For many reasons, I do not feel is appropriate to get into right now.  But it got to the point where I knew I needed a change.  It is scary, but I am taking that jump.  I actually have some new opportunity possibilities that I am very excited about.  They may or may not work out.  But in the end, I now know God has this and I will be in the best place I should be come next school year.  Either way, it is requiring a leap of faith on my part.

With relationships.  I have had so much heartbreak this year.  I drove away some I maybe should not have, and held on to others I should not have.  Either way, I had to learn that God had to be first and the One I come to with my heart.  And though I am still quite lonely, I am trusting Him that He is enough, and He will not allow me to be lonely forever.  We were made for relationships, no matter what kind, and He will not keep me from that blessing.  But I needed to take a risk and let all of the comfort of my human relationships go in order to learn the incredibly painful lesson of solely relying on Him.  So right now I have left it in His hands, whatever may come.  Another leap.

I have also been thinking about the talents God has given me and using them for ministry.  The crazy thing is, using some of those talents are actually scary to me.  I have to put myself out there and risk being judged.  But that can not matter to me.  It is for God, no one else.  So I feel God is moving me to jump into some things I have not done before.  Another dive into the unknown I see in my future.

I admit.  I still have moments of doubt, but they are becoming fewer.  Now that I am attempting to make a sincere effort to not let them rule my thoughts and heart.  I do not wake up everyday dreading getting out of bed anymore.  I am singing (loudly) in my car, apartment and classroom again (my neighbors are so lucky).  I am seeing God's blessing for all those around me and for myself.  Which I was not before.  I am so grateful.

As I said, I feel in my heart some big things are coming my way.  I see the light from the dark road I have been traveling.  I have peace in my heart that I so longed for.  And they are happening because I have finally given EVERYTHING over to God and trusted Him with it.  It was/is painful.  But it is worth it.  So cliche.  But true.  And now because I do trust, I think I am going to have to do some risk taking.  My heart has been getting ready for it.  I would not have been ready to jump until I trusted.

It may be almost time for THAT moment.  You know.... that moment that happens in any Musical Movie when the lead character (Yes, I am the lead in my world) is singing the heart-wrenching, soul-moving climatic song that you get goosebumps listening to... and you know there is about to be a game-changing twist/decision that pulls everything together???  Well.  I think right now I am belting out that note that makes your heart full of hope and want to sing along.  I think there is about to be a game-changer in my world.  One for the better.  Time to close my eyes, and leap.