Friday, August 29, 2014

Roller Coaster Ride

I used to love roller coasters.  LOVE them.  My favorite were the rickety old wooden ones.  The anticipation of climbing up and the thrill of dropping down the hill was my favorite part.  I could handle the ones that flipped you upside down, but they were not my favorite.  I think because you could not see what was coming next.  But still, fun.
But then, sometime in college roller coasters did not appeal to me so much anymore.  My sister and I went with our church college group to Magic Mountain and we both got pretty sick after one.  I am not sure if it was the ride, the heat, the food or a mixture of all three. But every since then, I can not stomach them as well as I used to.  I will still go on them and enjoy them, but I have to be careful and take my time with how many and how often.
Don't worry, there is a point to this.  I realized today that I am on the worst and most sickening roller coaster I have ever been on right now.  Every time I think I know what is coming or that I am safe, I get thrown for a loop.  I felt the slightest bit of hope the other day.  I do not understand it.  When I see/feel a little relief it is only fleeting.
I am so tired of this ride.  I hurt from being jerked around so much.  I am sick from the ups and downs.
And yes, I know this is a metaphor that only works so far.  Roller coasters are supposed to be fun.  But this one is not.  And I am sorry for writing so negatively lately.  But I am trying to document accurately.  So that if I do finally make it off this ride, I can remember what I came through.
My solution to this roller coaster is to try and act as mellow as possible.  To look as though I am calm and collected.  So that way my pain does not spread.  But on the inside I am crying and screaming.  But I can not and will not be a burden.  I know everyone says I am not.   But.  To try and explain what is going on to people feels like complaining and also that I am beating a dead horse.  It also makes the pain more intense, since they can not understand 90% of it.  Not because others have not been here, but because we all feel things differently.  I can't explain my pain.
And yes, I should pray.  But here it is.  The end all of what I thought I was.  I can't talk to God right now.  That is part of this ride.  I just can't.  I am angry.  And hurt by Him.  For not coming to my rescue sooner.  And don't tell me the cliches about Him being there no matter what happens.  And that it is in His timing.  I know all this.  A little part actually still believes it.  But I can't face it right now.  It hurts too much.  I feel betrayed.  There it is folks.  My faith is gone.  Real talk.
I know this one is sad and volatile.  Oh well.  I am not here to hide anything.