Wednesday, February 4, 2015

It is Time

4 months.  Since I last wrote.  And what a four months it has been.  But it is time.  It is time to write. I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.  Not even close.  Most of you know some of the reasons why. But no one knows all of it.

Let's be real.  My twin sister, Jacqui, had her first beautiful child in November.  Theodore Robert Christianson, or as I called him Teddy Bear.  I was instantly in love.  And we knew before he was born, he had CHD (Congenital Heart Disorder).  Issues with his heart that would make life not the easiest.  But, we are/were thankful to have him.

Even though I did not get to see and visit him as often as I should have, I have never loved someone so purely in my entire life.  But, it hurt to see him.  He had all these tubes and machines connected to him, most of the time.  That was hard to take in.  So like a huge pansy ass, I would hide from seeing him.  Selfishly, so I wouldn't hurt.  But here is the thing.  He was the most beautiful and joyful child I have ever seen.  I got smiles from him.  Saw him giggle.  And for his age, it is amazing.

But, devastatingly, a week ago, at 11 weeks old, we lost Teddy Bear.  I was/am shattered.  To see my sister and brother-in-law go through this is almost more than I can handle.  He wasn't even mine, and the pain I feel is excruciating.  I cannot imagine what they are feeling.  I have tried to be strong for them and my parents, but have failed.  I run away when the pain gets too much.

Last night, I broke down.  Yes, other things contributed.  But this is the majority.  If you have read other blogs, you know I have been dealing with a severe depression.  I admit, I have distanced myself from God.  Have not been to church in months.  It hurt too much to be there.  I still believe everything, Jesus is still my Savior.  But I just couldn't.  I walked away. Yup.  Shameful.

And last night, I couldn't breathe.  I think you could call it Rock Bottom.  I wondered if it was my fault Teddy left us.  Because I have walked away from God.  I have tried to use other things for comfort.  Earthly things.  People.  Entertainment. Food.  Etc.  And I KNOW none are what God says will help.  But God seems so far away and that He had abandoned me, like I did Him.  But none of it was working.

I had broken through my depression recently.  My LOUD cackle had reappeared.  God brought two AMAZING new friends in my life.  Then the worst thing that anyone could imagine.  Work was fine,  I adore my administration.  The people there make me happy to go to work.  I thought things were on the up-swing.  Then this.

I knew I wasn't strong enough for this.  But I tried to be.  Pretend.  Not look "weak" to those around me.  But last night, it all became too much.  I BROKE DOWN.  To the point where I actually was talking and yelling at God.  It was too much.  Praying that the pain would be gone.  No still, small voice.  I decided I would take today off of work.  Focus on the things that helped me.  Writing.  Sleeping. Exercising.  Reading.  Jimmy Fallon.  Rekindling my prayer life.  And so that is what I did.

It worked. I feel better.  I see the good in my life.  Getting to know Teddy.  Having a job.  Wonderful friends.  Family that loves me.  And even when my little Ella car got backed into by a giant truck today, I was thankful we both had insurance and no one was hurt.

I have made a conscious decision that I will move forward.  I am allowed to feel.  God made me this way for a reason.  But no more dwelling.  No more wallowing.  I may go back to church soon.

I am going to be ok.