Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Wanna Fight

People are...... surprising.  I have always been quite good at reading people.  Seeing though and into people's hearts.  It is a gift.  Do not mean to brag.  I am just good at it.  Maybe because I pay attention better than most. I do not know.   But even for people who do not see hearts as clearly as I do, there are times in life when it is made crystal clear who cares and who does not.  For example, when life gets difficult, people tend to show their true colors as friends.

I am nervous to write this.  I am not pointing any fingers.  But something keeps striking me and I want to write about it.  Maybe I am wrong.  But I have to try and throw it out there.  Not like many read this anyway.

It is times of tragedy that people truly show how much they care.  Through the horrific time I went through (yes, people, PAST TENSE NOW :) !!!) the past year, the people that stepped up were not necessarily the ones I expected to.  Not that these friends I have realized I can rely on, are not wonderful, but I did not realize the connection and compassion they felt towards me.  And maybe, to be full time honest, I was expecting more out of others that did not.  

Sadly.  If I am being truthful.  The people I thought would be there through thick and thin, who would fight for me the hardest, left me be the waste side.  I am not saying I deserve to be fought for.  Quite the contrary.  I have been a special order selfish beast, quite often, this past year.  But on the other hand.  I was also hurting beyond imaginable.  And needed people to step out of their comfort zone and fight for me.  And I have been blessed and amazed by those that have and still do fight for me.  It humbles me.  I do not deserve it.  I pray and hope that if ever the opportunity arises, I can show that kind of love and support to those in my life.

I am grateful for those that are always there, no matter what.  And not only that, the ones that make the effort to ask and actually BE THERE, even and especially when it is not easy.  Even if it seems to be unwanted.  These people push through and make me feel loved.  Even though I am just simply an awful, mean person sometimes.  They brave the witchy Lindsay.  Call me on my BS,  and in the end I am filled with thankfulness beyond compare.  To take time out of their busy, crazy schedule to prove the love and compassion they have been gifted with.  These people changed my life.

Then there are others.  Who are still friends.  Friends that are nice when we happen to see each other.  But do not make the effort when tragedy strikes.  Will come and go.  And we do need those people, too.  This life needs all kinds to fill it.  But I want to make an effort to be better.  To be like those people that made a difference in my life.  The ones I will never, ever forget.  Changed my heart to see the light.  God used them.  Whether they know it or not.

I would much rather have those friends that prove themselves in difficult times.  Even if you have only known them a short while.  Or years, and see them once or twice a year.  Or once a week, but they truly care and pay attention instead of making it routine to ask "How are you?".

I want to be that friend.  It is my goal to be that person.  To really love and show it.  When it is uncomfortable.  Especially.  Because it is that person that God uses to heal others.  And I would not have made it out of the dark hole without the people that truly cared.  And proved it.

I think you know who you are.  I am not brave enough to list.  In case I forget or offend.  But I think those that made the effort, know.  And I thank you and I love you.  You have inspired me.