Tuesday, April 21, 2015

This is me

So over the journeys I been on.  Painful and growing that they have been.  One thing always comes across my path.  Everything needs to have balance.

And I am not good at that.  I try to take the advice of "Show how you feel"  but then hear "But not too much".

So the question I have been thinking about lately is, do I love and care and feel how I was made to?  Or do I hide it?  Everything I hear in contrary to one another.

This world right now says "Be myself, and anyone who doesn't love you for you, can.....(something not very nice".

I wish it was just that easy for me.  I WISH I was not Lindsay sometimes.  But I also like the part that loves unconditionally.  Among other things.

I have no lesson I have learned.  I am still broken.  But I am ok.  Better than ok.

First of all.  I want people a part of my life.  This person that loves, is not going anywhere.  I am not changing that.  I like making people feel good, or cared about, valuable. I want EVERYONE to feel that.  I fail sometimes.  

I am messed up.  Even after all the steps and processes I have taken to get better.  I am human.  I am learning that.

I am going to be me.  If others think I have ulterior motives for my actions.  Ok.  I know the truth.

I AM going to keep being Lindsay.  But I am realizing I can mess up.  Not one person in this entire world knows my heart, so I can't blame them if they see things they shouldn't.

I am just going to try and be better.  Care, and keep going.  And when I fail.  Or let someone down, not to let it devastate me.  To know if in my heart, I meant it for the betterment of others.  Well, then I move on.  That is tricky for me.  I hurt too easily and too much.  Right now, when someone hurts me I can act skittish and scared to be myself.

Basically, I am learning.  We all are.  I am just more open about it.  But I signed up to do that when I started writing.  I know some think this blog is narcissistic and silly.  Maybe.  But it helps me.

And I matter.  Almost as much as you do.  I hope I can make you feel that some day.  Because that is who I am.  I know who I am.  I am proud of who I am and what I am becoming.  But I fail all the time.  Forgive me.  I am trying to embrace and forgive myself daily.

This is me.  A beautiful failure trying to make a difference for the better.