Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Cry Me A River

Now. Do not get the wrong idea from the title. This is not going to be a sad blog entry. I hope it to be an encouraging one.
Reason for the title is this. I do believe I have possibly cried enough while in Bath to create a brand new river. Still sounds bad, huh? Well, just wait.
When I was back home in the AZ, I could not cry very easily. I would go months and months without being able to cry. Not that I would not get sad or upset about anything, I would, I just could not open my heart enough to let myself cry about it. Which goes back to a former blog of not wanting to show my emotions because of feeling like I had too many. Anyways.
Onto the good stuff. These days, I cry ALL THE TIME! It could be nothing. Sitting on the bus and I see pretty trees, and think of my mom, to laying in bed wondering what the point of me coming here was to letting the evil one get inside my had and have me start believing that my friends do not really care about me because no one has talked/contacted me in awhile (except my mom, she is pretty consistent). But if I were honest, these tears make an appearance at least once a day.
One of the things that gets me the most is the fact that I still do not have that kindred spirit to talk to right now. I am going through probably the most difficult times in my life. I moved to a new country, do not know anyone (well the one I do know lives 2 hours away and is leaving for good in a month), living alone, new culture, etc. All without one of those people who you can call in the middle of the night. Even at home this was difficult with my friends since every one I know has a lot more on their plate than I do.
So I was getting very frustrated with God about this. Talking to Him all day and night about my frustrations. Why does this have to be so hard? Why have I been isolated even more than I was at home? UGH! Then while I was at Starbucks today, reading a book, fighting tears (tears I had no idea where they came from), and wondering for the millionth time, why am I so frustrated with God and this situation?
Then I realized something God has been whispering to my heart but I was not listening. Just because I am frustrated does not make me a "bad" Christian. Which is one thing I have also have tears about often. I realized that my hard times and frustration and lack of deep companionship on this earth right now is forcing me into me and God to have a closer relationship.
I have been in a pretty comfortable bubble my whole life. Loving and having faith in God was easy most of the time. Right now, that faith is being stretched beyond anything I have experienced and I have realized it is a good thing. God is allowing my heart and emotions to be opened to Him. And it is OK that I get upset sometimes. This Christian life is not supposed to be easy. I am encouraged that this is making me closer to God and hopefully more like Christ.
Maybe that was the only reason God had me come here. To learn to rely on Him solely, not myself, not others. And that will be worth it to learn that lesson. I know I have a very long way to go, but I see now the tears are good. I am being changed.
I know my friends will be there when this journey is over, even when I feel like they have forgotten me. God hasn't. And really, as much as I love my people, He is the One that truly matters. He loves me, tears and all.