Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Boom, Roasted.

It has been awhile since I have written on my blog. There has been a reason for that. Partly because I did not feel like I had anything significant to write about. Partly was because I was not ready to, and also I was trying to distance myself from it for awhile.

Coming back was not as easy as I thought. I forgot this living and being on my own was lonely business. And if you have gotten anything from earlier posts, I do not do well with loneliness. But God has shown me this is my life right now and all apart of His plan. But being my stubborn self I have been ignoring Him for awhile. But the ache in my heart got to a point where I could not do it any longer. So I decided to take a break from "distractions" (music, blog, writing) and try to listen. And lo and behold, I "heard" some very interesting things.
With the loneliness thing, I knew and heard all the "solutions" in the book. But my hard heart was not ready to hear them. But this heart of mine is softening up a bit in that area, finally.
Long story short, though God wants us to rely on others and have relationships with people, that is not the number one priority as I was making it. In my mind, once I got a human friend and/or boyfriend my life would be a million times better. Spiritual Lindsay knew deep down that really is not true, but silly emotional Lindsay kept winning in the war of my focus. HA! That never ends well.

After trying to listen more and praying I was reading the Bible one day and a verse I had read a thousand time jumped out a me in a different way. Matthew 6:33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." K, we have all read/heard it tons, but it clicked in my head, I was NOT putting God or His kingdom first, but wanting human relationships more than Him. BURN! And the 2nd part of that verse says as we seek Him first then all these things will be added. Ummmm, I was trying to do things out of order. Not. Successful. So I am trying to focus on Him first, then have that hope of what is to come (See next post). As everything I write about on this blog, it is a process. I obviously need a LOT of work and refinement. I struggle with the same thing over and over but I have to accept that it is going to be an uphill battle, but God is there with me. And even in the short time that I have actively decided to make Him first, life has gotten much less lonely. Funny how that works, huh?