Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Fear

So, I know that all I have been writing about is my travels, which my life sound fabulous, even enviable. And to be honest, parts of it has been. I mean, I have to count myself so lucky to get to see the world and so on. But... there are some other things going on in my world that have been getting at me lately.
I have been trying so hard to ignore them and think positively, but I just can't get over it. So, instead of keeping it inside I thought maybe writing about it will help. I can't ignore it anymore. So I am going to get vulnerable and quite honest here.
First thing I am dealing with. Finances. To be completely honest I have never had to worry to much about money. I have had a job since college and when I graduated I got a teaching job immediately. Then my parents graciously allowed me to live with them so I could pay off my college debt and get a car. Well now, I have another even bigger debt staring me in the face with my MA degree. And to add along with that, I am scared I will fail my dissertation. It is extremely overwhelming. And that will be a huge fail of time, money, etc. Basically, by the time I get home in September I will have hardly anything monetarily speaking. I still have to eat the next few months here and pay my monthly bills etc. Also, I have no job. Now and for when I come home. Which brings me to my next issue.
I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life career wise. I am not sure I want to get back into teaching. And if I do, what age? And I can't get a teaching job likely til mid term since I come home so late. I have no idea what I am going to do for income. And I am scared about it. I mean, this is my life. I have have an income to pay for life. I am alone in my responsibility. Which brings me to my last thing, and my most vulnerable and honest part.
I am alone in this. Yes, I have my family (who I would not make it in life without). Yes, I have friends. I understand this. But when it comes to making these huge life decisions it is left to me. My parents can't tell me what to do. My friends can listen to me talk , but they have their own lives to live. And to be totally truthful, and to my utter heartache, I do not have anyone to help make these decisions with, in the sense of a significant person. I did not think I would be at this point in my life and not have a partner to go through life with. As of right now, it seems, I will have to go this life alone. I know this sounds stupidly dramatic, but I am being honest. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I do not know what to do. And it multiplies the hurt that since I am here in Bath, whether during the day, but more often when I can't sleep at night and I can't talk to anyone about it. All my friends and family balk at me when I say things like this. But I am here, living in a tiny room 8 hours ahead of those I love the most. I can't call and say can we hang out, or can I just talk at you, or tell me how your day is. Everyone at home has lives of their own, and other people to be with and take care of. So the loneliness factor here increases by thousands. It hurts.
Now I know you are saying "But Lindsay, you can talk to God anytime, all the time." And "Have faith, God has a plan." Yes, I know. But. I am still scared. And lonely. And really, really scared. I wish I had more faith. But it seems I do not. I do not know what to do. I guess I am asking for prayer. I know I had to come here, not for a degree but for something much deeper. But now that it is coming to an end I am not sure my faith is what it should be. And that scares me most of all.