Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Next Chapter

It has been a long time since my last post, and for good reason. I have finished a dissertation, interviewed and started a new teaching job, and my twin sister got married. So I will give a little blurb about these three things just so I can come back and remember.
The dissertation- Almost killed me. I won't get into all the boring details, but man. Almost killed me. I have not yet heard if I have passed or not yet either. I am refusing to think about it till I have to.
The wedding- Wow. What a week. Great seeing family. And meeting my new Brother in law. It was so stressful though. Making sure everything went as it should. I am so happy for Jacqui and Matt, but honestly, still weirds me out that my sister is married. Just weird. Also, won't lie, it has been pretty dang rough on my heart that she is now married. Awful, I know. But if you are kindred, you get it. I lost the closest person to me. She is my twin for heaven's sake. And, she has moved onto a new life, and I do not get to be a part of it. Hurts. But still. Excited for them and looking forward to getting to know Matt better.
The job- Well I went through the interview process the week before wedding week. And through some excruciating waiting I was offered a Kindergarten teaching position in Dysart district. I would be getting kids from the other classes to make them smaller. Awesome. A little stressful with timing, but we won't argue with God. So as of now, I have been working 2 weeks, one week having my new kids. Only 18. It is lovely. It is how Kindergarten should be. I also have a very nice team that are willing to help when needed. But. Yes, there is a but. It's me, you know there has got to be a but. ;). I am remembering why I wanted an adventure in the first place. I am scared. Scared of failure. I am scared I won't fit with my new team, as lovely as they are, I am a but quirky and not sure if they will take to that. I am scared this is not really what I want to be doing with the REST OF MY LIFE.
Anyone that knows me knows really, I just want to be a wife and eventually a mom. But that is just not an option God has given to me as of yet. And it hurts. But I can't just sit around and do nothing. Firstly, it is not in my nature, and secondly my parents sure as heck are not going to allow me not to do anything but sit around and wait. Which is another fear I have.
I want to get my own place soon. Not because I can't live with my parents. They are wonderful and I would not have gotten this far without them. But I am an adult with a job. I can't keep taking advantage of them. They have been gracious to let me build up some funds to be able to do this. But it is scary to think I am officially living all alone. And on my own in everything.
I think that is the part that gets me the most. It hurts to think I do not have a partner to go through this life with. I have to lean on myself. Well, of course I have God. Always will. But you know what I mean. It is sad to think I may not get that.
And I am tired of hearing "It is just around the corner" or "It is coming". Maybe. Maybe not. Either way. I am allowed to be frustrated sometimes.
If I were to be honest. The thought of having to go to work everyday to teach other people's children, to see my friends on occasion, but still come home to no one, it is sad. Not saying I do not think it will change. But I do have to accept that it may not. It is just the way it is. This feeling of something missing could just be a part of my life.
With this thought, I wonder if it is just the way this world is because it is not my home. That as a follower of God, I will always ache like this until I am home with my Father. Or if it is because I am made to be part of more than just me while I am here. I am not sure.
I am not saying I think I am utterly alone. I know I am not. My family is there for me. My friends are there when they can be. But I am talking specifically of a partner that belongs to me, and I to him. And we go through this life together.
Anyway, all this to say, I am not anywhere near being in the deoths of despair. Just feeling there has to be more. Maybe I will feel like this until I am home with Jesus. Not sure.
Either way. New chapter in my life. Who knows what it will bring. Hope I do not feel stuck and frustrated like I did before that made me go to England. Just hope my heart and eyes will be open to where God would have me. And while I wait, I am being honest and writing it down to remember.