Saturday, January 21, 2012

Unlovable

So I am trying to broaden my horizons and try new things for my life. So, last night I did just that. I went to a Singles conference at a church that was not the one I grew up in. I usually steer away from anything to do with "Singles" and church. There are many reasons for that. Mostly because I have heard it all, the majority of the people are younger than me, and just plain stubbornness in all honesty. But I went last night. And I am so thankful I did.
I did not hear anything I had not already heard. But I went and God really used it. And a couple things were opened to my eyes. I do not know if it was because I was in a new and unknown environment or I was not ready to admit these things to myself yet. But I thought I would share them in the hope someone can be ministered to by it.

One thing was clear to me. I am not doing my part in my relationship with God. Hard for me to admit. But it is true. I was doing the minimal amount and not really trusting God with my life. Then I would get frustrated and think He was the one ignoring me. Nope, it was all me doing the ignoring. Humbling to realize. I am praying I start truly listening to Him and put forth the effort to know Him better.

The second thing is the main focus of what I wanted to write about. I have written about it before in passing, but I am facing it full in right now. I have to admit. Though I thought it before but never dealt with it. I have a problem. I have this firm view of myself that I am unlovable. Yes. For some reason I have this notion that every nperson inmy life at some point will see through me and decide I am too flawed to love and peace out. Friends, family, whoever. This includes God. I know, I KNOW! I hear people saying "Lindsay, God says many times that He loves us without fail." For some reason I struggle with this. I have heard all kinds of ways how He loves me. But for some reason I get tricked into believing more often than it should be, that love for Lindsay has an expiration date and there is no helping it. Well. I have to stop this thinking. Yes, I know people are people and will hurt and leave sometimes. But it is not all about me. But when it comes to God He will not stop. No matter what I do. I have heard a million times, yet I still struggle with thinking I am a person God could love. But who am I to disagree with the Holy Word of God.
I try to remind myself of something my Uncle Steve said once while preaching many years ago that stuck with me. He was talking about how no one can pluck us from God's hand..... (here comes the kicker) and then he said that includes ourselves. I cannot take away God's love for me.

I am going to try and stop being so down on myself. Yes. I mess up. A lot. And though it is not an excuse to sin, but I need to understand and truly know that God loves me. And really that is all I need. No matter who comes and goes in my life, God is sufficient for my needs.

Also, please know, the purpose of this blog post is not for me to get sympathy or everyone telling me they love me. I know who does, though sometimes I falter, I know. I hope this encourages someone who also struggles with believing they are unlovable. You are.