Sunday, February 2, 2014

Dark times (1 of 2)

This one is not for the faint of heart.  I am going to get a little dark.  Not sure when I will actually put this one out for the public to read, but I thought it would be a good one to write.  Maybe this is one I will be working on it for awhile since I am not sure I am finished learning yet.  But I have come a massively long way.  Remember that as you read.  It was dark, but things are getting lighter.  Though I have to admit the pain is still alive and kicking.

My heart is broken.  Shattered, really.  And I am still not completely healed yet.  It is taking a good long while.  And not just from one area of my life, but many.  And because of that. I have not been myself.  Or maybe I am becoming the person God always intended me to be.  But needless to say, I am not the Lindsay everyone has known for most of my life.  This can be viewed as a good thing or a bad thing.  I am not sure yet, myself.  

I love people.  I have always liked a party.  I would get excited to go out and be social.  But no more.  Maybe it is because I live alone, and I have learned to appreciate and keep my "me" time sacred.  It boggles my mind, but now I would rather go home and be by myself more often than go out.  To actually get ready and go out to see people takes a massive effort on my part, and a lot of times I try to bow out.  Simply to avoid the pain and effort I have to use up to put on a "I'm okay" face.  Especially when it involves people that look to me as if they are living out my dreams.  I have a hunch though, that this change is not because I have suddenly changed personalities.  I think God is teaching me something that is taking me awhile to grasp.  It has been a very difficult and painful lesson.    

 It is because to me, in my puny human brain, I couldn't see the light of what my God has promised. I am learning to have hope in Him, beyond what I have ever had to believe before.  But it seemed all of my hopes, dreams, and desires had either failed to happen, look like an impossibility now, or did not turn out like I prayed for (at least for the moment).  And it has been difficult for me to understand and accept.  I look at my life and as false as it might be to others looking in, to me I feel as though I have been stuck in the same place for quite awhile.  I mean, I went across the ocean for goodness sake, and I am back exactly to where I was before I left.  Except a little older, sadder and wiser.  Ok, enough of the sad times.  Not what I was trying to get at. 

There is a reason for all of this.  I know it..... now.  As the things in my life have gotten more and more painful, I had no where else to turn.  My friends who I usually talked to about these things could not relate.  Some of them actually stopped talking to me because they did not want to deal with my hurt.  It came to a point where, as much as I did not want to, I had to turn to God. 

Ok. Before we go any further we can stop right there.  Yes.  I said it.  I did NOT want to turn to God.  I finally was honest with myself and Him about it.  I was mad at Him.  Full on furious actually.  Here I was, a person who had not lived perfectly by any means, but still have always tried my best to live for Him.  And He just keeps ignoring silly little Lindsay.  Everyone around me gets exactly what I have always wanted.  People that did not care one bit about Him.  Yet I sit, broken-hearted and ignored.  I very seriously considered peacing out of the whole relationship with God thing.  Not like it had done any good for me up into this point.  All I have ever gotten out of it was pain and frustration.  But thankfully, God was not about to let me go so easily.

There came a point when I had absolutely no one to turn to.  Now don't get your feelings hurt if you are a family member or friend and think "I would have been there for you."  As you can tell from my previous paragraph it is not like I was thinking clearly.  Things were getting pretty volatile.  And God allowed that for His purpose.  Shut up in my apartment, we had it out.  I told Him everything in my heart.  How I know I did not deserve anything, but why would He create me this way with the dreams I possess, just so I could suffer through this ridiculous existence.  It is not like I am being a good witness in this state.  Etc....  It was not pretty.  He still listened.  He already knew.  He still loves me.  And through that painful time, I have become so thankful.  Because after finally getting to the darkest parts of my heart and talking to God about it, I never have felt closer to Him. 

I now talk to Him all the live long day.  I ache and long to just be able to chill and read His word, or talk to Him without interruption when I am at work (FYI teaching Kindergarten does not always lend itself to quiet moments with God).  That has never happened before.  I do know and believe He understands my pain.  And because I finally got through that barrier, my relationship with Him is at a level I never imagined.  I still have to work at it everyday.  But I trust God with all my heart.  When I need to cry, I go to my Jesus and know He listens.  I HAD  to go through that time when I withdrew from everyone around me.  It may have hurt people, for that I am sorry.  It may have confused others.  Some may not have noticed. In the end, I know my Lord on a different level now and am learning so much everyday.  Which I will talk about in Part 2 of this story.  This one is already too long.  But do not worry, it gets really great.