Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My Biggest Sin

Now I could be wrong about this.  I do not know if God keeps a score of which sin we each struggle with the most.  I have a lot. But in the end, I do not think it really matters.  The one I feel I struggle with the most, was one I did not realize until recently, was actually a sin.  Yeah.  Crazy, right?

Here is the thing.  I worry.  About lots of different things. Most of the time they are things that I can not change at all.  Mostly about other people.  Or about myself living up to my best potential.  To the point where it effects my daily living and distracts me from my real purpose.  And you know what.  That is a sin.  It took a long time for me to figure that out.  I would wake up everyday, until very recently, with this anxiety ball in my chest all day long.  Worried about one thing or another.  To a point where I could not see past it to real life.  

I know we all worry.  I truly believe I do it often because I love people so deeply and I want what is best for them.  Then something clicked in my brain one day: "Guess what, Linds (Yeah, now I am talking to myself through a blog.  Maybe my next sin I need to wrestle with is narcissism.... anyway)  not your job to make sure they are where they are supposed to be.  It is God's.  All you have to do is love them and pray for them.  Show them Jesus.  But if you are too busy being a big ball of anxiety and stress over something you can't change, that is not being Jesus so much.  Not really how He rolled."  Ugh.  Then.  I get over that and another worry steps in.

Now I worry that I am failing at being a Christian.  Because I worry too much.  Or I hurt so much, I can't be a faith-filled person to be who I really am in God.  Oh yeah.  Big ole mess over here.  It was just a vicious cycle that would not stop.  I would have guilt over not being all I could be.  So how do you get through something like that?  Because I am so wrapped up in worrying about what I think can happen, I could not figure it out.  But I knew it was a slap in God's face, because I was not trusting Him with everything.  And I mean, EVERYTHING.

I could not just say I trust Him.  I had to actually do it.  WAY more difficult to do.  And by doing that I had to let it all go (Cue me singing new Frozen song by my girl, Idina Menzel). LET IT GO.  I can not care anymore if I think my people I love are going down are wrong road.  First of all, what do I know?  Secondly, I can't change it.  Thirdly, God loves them way more than I do and wants the best for them more than I do.  So I should probably just chill out and let Him do His thing and let Him use me when/if the time comes in their lives.  And, although I am going to mess up, which is inevitable, God is still going to love me.  He knows I am going to mess up, does not hinder His forgiveness.  When I actually got that through my thick, stubborn brain, my world changed. 

Insane thing is.  It only happened a VERY short time ago.  And as painful as it was, I am so happy I let it all go.  I can not tell you the peace that has entered my heart, mind and soul these past few weeks.  As they say "Peace the passes understanding".  Exactly.  No other way to describe it.

 And then.... yesterday.  It started sneaking in.  Wait, I am at peace.  I am happy.  Good things are happening to me.  So of course I think, like any normal (ahem, not) girl, "I must be doing something wrong in my Christian walk if I am happy"....... Yeah.  I actually thought that.  2 days ago.  I know, I know.  There is something wrong with me.  And I woke up with that anxiety again. AHHH!  Thankfully, my Jesus came swooping in and whispered to my heart to give it all to Him.  He has got this.  Oh man.  So I did.  I fought back.  Instead of letting the anxiety sweep over me and take over.  No more.  I am armed and ready for battle.  I got God on my side.  Can't beat that. 

I am not sure why I am sharing this one with you guys.  Maybe like usual, so you know you are not the only one out there that struggles.  Maybe like me, you did not realize worrying is a sin (although you are all likely much quicker on the uptake than I tend to be).  It is not trusting our Savior to take care of us.  Not having faith.  I always thought I had that in bucketfuls.... Nope.  But God is working on me.  I am so glad.  He has a plan for me.  A great one.  And I am so excited to see what is coming.