Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Labor Pains

I have never given birth.  I hope to someday, God-willing.  But I hear it is not the most relaxing experience.  Now I am not trying to say I have any idea about what it feels like.  So no one needs to get their feathers all ruffled because I am claiming to understand what it is like to be pregnant or to give birth.  Believe me, I try my hardest  not to claim understanding feelings or pain that I have no business claiming.  For many reasons.  Anyways.  Getting off topic here.  The reason I bring up giving birth and the pain that goes along with it, is because though I do not understand that particularly event literally, I understand the concept.
It starts off with one contraction pain.  Then another a little while later.  Then as time goes on the pains become more frequent and intense.  I imagine as this pain happens for some, one can forget the miracle that is coming in the end.  A weak person like me can not see past the pain, the hurt happening right at that moment.  So I have gotten into the habit reminding myself that these are just labor pains.
The tricky part is, my pain is not necessarily the most clear or understandable to others.  Nor is it easy to explain to others.  We are all different.  My feelings and pain are foreign to many people in my life.  I am an intense person.  And I have to decided to try and stop apologizing and feeling bad for not being able to explain myself.  I know who I am.  God does too.  Better than I do.  I often can not even understand the reason for the hurt I am going through.  He and I also know that I am doing my darndest (cleaned that up a bit) to grow, learn and heal. It is taking awhile. As most worthwhile things do.  Just look at all the stories in the Bible.  Time is a key factor.
As I was reminding myself of different stories in the Bible where God's children had to go through high and low times to get to their blessing I realized something.  As much as I wish I was more like Joseph, chilling in prison for years and still holding on to faith in God; or like Job, who got everything taken away yet still trusted God, I am not.  I realized I am like good old King David.  Now they may sound like a brag.  But it is not.  Have you read the Psalms???  David was an emotional guy.  Another word for it is passionate.  He had some great wonderful times he wrote about.  Dancing in the streets, praising God for his blessings.  And we all know how much I like to dance.  But then there are those Psalms that are pretty emo and dark.  Very opposite sides of the spectrum.  All one guy.  That is me.  Completely.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay for me to feel the way that I do.  I have pounded it into my head for so long that there is something wrong with me because of how my heart works.  
Not to say my heart is perfect.  Far from it.  I do know I need to keep working on the discipline of my heart, and letting God mold it to be more like His.  Not letting my feelings rule me, but use them for God's glory.  David messed up a lot, and I need to take that as a cautionary tale.  And also realize that when I do mess up, God still loves me and can make something great out of it.  God uses crazy people like me and David.  
But David had to wait for his miracle too.  His blessings did not come easy.  It took a lot of pain and time.  I have to remind myself of that.  He had labor pains.  That these are labor pains.  And a loving God, one I do believe in, would not let me suffer for the entirety of my life for naught.  But it is going to hurt for awhile.  And, yes, I am doing my best to not bring my pain into other's lives, and even hide it(though I am not great at it yet).  Not because they do not care, but because it will hurt them.  And I feel God is taking me through this very lonely time on purpose.  No one else can take the pain except the one giving birth.  I may be wrong, but this is how I view my journey right now.  And I also realize that the more intense and frequent it is, that you are to the end.  And let me tell you all, it has GOT to be close to the end. 
And what comes at the end of labor??  A miracle.  That only God can bring about. So I have to trust, be a vessel, try to honor Him and learn from the pain.