Thursday, June 26, 2014

Painful Lessons

Ok.  Not sure how this one is going to go.  I have not written for almost 2 months.  I think mostly for two reasons.  One, I had nothing to say that I thought anyone would care to read.  And two, and more likely, in my last post I talked about thinking my miracle finally coming soon.  And it hasn't.  So I guess I am/was ashamed.

It has been a roller coaster of a two months.  Ups and downs.  And no miracle.  At least no miracle that I expected.  It would be remiss of me to say that I have not seen glimpses of God here and there, working on me and my prayers.  But I am so fickle, I forget that from day to day.  Anyway, not really why I am writing.  Actually, not even sure of why I am writing.  I just felt the urge to, and I can't ignore it, especially since it has been so long.  I actually think that  may be the point of this entry.  Doing things that don't make sense in my brain, but I still feel the urge to do from God.

I have to say.  I have learned so much about myself this past year.  I can not tell you why God is taking me through this.  And I have learned, just as in the story of Job, I have no right to ask God why He does what He does.  That took awhile for me to understand.  I was of the mind that I did not deserve this.  I would ask God why He made me this way.  To feel things so deeply, to the point of it being painful.  To make it so I feel isolated, yet it be difficult to be around other people.  And then He not answer my crying out.  But really, I deserve much worse.  We all do.  Ok, lesson learned.  Trying to change my thinking.  Trust Him.

I still do not understand so much of what is going on.  And yes, it causes pain.  Pain a lot of people do not understand.  So many in my life have peaced out because they can not handle being around me in my pain.  Or they do not understand it.  Or other reasons I am not sure of.  Or there are those that think they are helping by giving advice every single time they see me.  And as I have mentioned before, even the most well meaning piece of advice can still sting harshly at the wrong moment (See "miserable comforters" in Job).  That hurt.  But I have realized.  It is okay.  We all feel and see things differently.  I have come to realize my passion and compassion for things in life is a gift.  I can use that in ways others cannot.  And I do know without a doubt, God is going to use this time for me to minister to others that deal with things like I do someday.  And praise the Lord for that.

I admit.  This is not a journey I would have taken on willingly.  Which is why God is in control.  I am still very much in the midst of the struggle.  I have good days and bad days, thankfully more good than what they previously were.  But anyone that has been around me likely knows I am still not myself.  It is a battle sometimes just to go out.  I mean, I was bawling in church on Sunday, and that was just during worship.  I am trying.  I am healing.  Truly.  I look back and see how much of a different person I am now.  My way of thinking is different than it was, in a good way.

I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.  I am striving to look only to God and actually trust Him in my heart AND my mind.  Easy to say, not easy to do.  All this to say.  I have made so many mistakes and likely caused much hurt this past year.  For that I am sorry. But.  I am learning and growing closer to Him.  And for that reason alone I praise Him.  It is okay for me and it is okay for you to hurt.  I rarely talk about my struggles in person because I still do not know what it is all about (and I get emotional which can be embarrassing for all involved).  God has not seen fit to share that with me.  Maybe He never will.  I am okay with that.  I think.  And I write better than I speak (I think).   I am not saying if I happen to see or talk to you in the near future to act as if our lives are all sunshine and rainbows.  I have never been one to be fake and gloss over the hardships in life.  If you ask how I am, I will give you a real answer.  I always do.  A hug and consistent prayers for me will also never be denied.  On the contrary, they are appreciated and I am grateful.  People still mean so much to me, but I have to rely solely on God to learn this lesson.

I hope/believe/know someday God will use this time in my life to help others.  For now I can honestly say I am grateful for the struggle because I have learned more about my Jesus through this.  Last week, not sure I can say I felt that.  Not sure I can ask for more right now.
I love you all.