Friday, June 27, 2014

The Heart of the Problem

So I realize that I have been pretty vague about what has been the reason for my pain and suffering this past year.  And to be honest, a large chunk of my entire life.  It is not the only reason.  But it all stems back to this one.  Maybe because it took me a long time to actually put it into words.  Because it is dangerous, hurtful to others, and taboo for a person in my situation.  But here it is:

I had never truly felt truly loved.  Even and especially by God.

It is true.  I mean, loved in a way that I was not an obligation for others. There is no logical reason for me to feel that way.  I grew up in the best situation a person could ask for in this life.  A loving and supportive family.  Always learning about God.  Good friends.  Great opportunities for education.  Never wanting for a job.  All of it.  It all has come relatively easy.  But there it is.  I still never felt wanted.  Lying underneath all the picture perfect life, I felt I was just an obligation.

My family had to love me.  They are my family.  My friends said they loved me because that is what you do.  Not that I did not think they did in a way, just not real love.  And God, well, He loves everyone.  So I was nothing special to Him.  Love for me was just His duty as God.  There is no explaining it, it does not makes sense.  But subconsciously, that is where I was until pretty recently.  There could be many reasons for why I felt that way.  Such as, I took my family's love for granted.  Or that there has been very few (not even a few, MAYBE 2) men to care for me in a romantic way. It could be that I am a people-pleaser and assumed people only wanted to be friends with me solely because of what I brought to the table, not just for me.  I was too much of a burden with my quirkiness and emotions.  It is all these things, along with the fact that we live in a fallen world and the evil one has run havoc on my heart and mind for much too long in this area.

It did not matter what people said or did.  And that is awful.  I lost friends because I could not see or accept their love.  I just did not think I was loved for my entire person.  By them or God.  As I said, I did not realize this until recently.  And it is my belief this is why I am going through what I am right now.  God does love me beyond anything I could do or imagine.  Enough to turn my life on its head until my stubborn heart sees the Truth.  All the lessons I have learned point back to this one.  If I do not believe I am loved, I can't trust God.  Or minister to others.  Or live an abundant life.  Or really believe my miracle is coming.  Or be loved by another person.  Oooooooooh.  Burn.  Or have any hope for anything.  So.  It has not been easy, but I am working very hard to train how I think and live to see the love others have for me.

God has been here the whole time.  Revealing things when I was ready to hear them.  If I was not ready to hear things and accept them, they would do no good.  Which is why that whole "God's timing is best" we hear 1,000 times a day, is for real.  But if you are not ready to hear or accept that, it does no good.

He does love me.  Not just because He loves everyone.  I am special to Him.  I can not tell you how many very specific ways He has shown me that.  Often, I do not see them until after.  I believe He started this process almost 2 years ago.  He brought and used people into my life that reached me in ways no one has before.  He put me in situations that hurt like hell, but now I see was Him calling out to me to lean on Him, because He loves me.  He has been relentless.  BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

And now that I see He does, I see how much the people in my life do, too.  Truly.  Thank you for loving me.  And not giving up on me.  Even when I did not accept or believe your love.  It is a work in progress, but I am learning.  No more feeling unloved.  He has made me realize I am worthy to accept love.