Saturday, July 26, 2014

My Dark Confession: The Aftermath

It has only been a few days since I made my most secret of confessions of suffering from depression.  And I will admit, I am shocked at the response I have gotten.  First of all, that blog entry has been my most read by far.  I do not know why, but I choose to believe it is because people are relating or care about me and want to know what is going on.  Secondly, I am surprised at who has approached me, whether through text, online, or in person to let me know they read it and are fighting this with me and even some to say they struggle too and want me to know I am not alone.  I am also surprised by those who have not reached out, but there is no need to dwell on that.  I am choosing to focus on those in my corner.

The whole reason I am being so public about this is because I want to push the idea that it is okay to talk about this type of struggle.  To help everyone understand what this is and maybe even help understand how to help those in your life going through it.  Every struggle is different for each person.  But loving is the same.

To start I will try to explain what is going on in my mind and heart and why I finally came to the place to decide to get help.  Some things I have mentioned before.  And you may never understand it unless you go through it yourself.  I pray you never have experience this, though.  I mentioned last time, this kind of pain is "it hurts to live pain".  That is the easiest way to put it. I wake up with this ache in my heart that is constant.  I try to push it away, focus on the good, but because of the chemicals in my brain right now, it is nearly impossible to do that.  Every little thing throughout the day that reminds me of hurt and pain is a massive hit to my heart.  It is not simply a lack of faith or positive thinking.  It is as a real medical issue.  This did not happen because I am sad by my circumstances.  Logically, I know I am blessed beyond measure.  I am not in a depression because I am still single, my job is frustrating, hardships I see my family and friends are going through, being lonely, losing friends, etc.  Yes, all those things have happened in my life this year and do effect me.  But it is not why I am struggling with depression, they are just factors that enhance it.  Others in my place may have been able to deal with those things and still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  That is the struggle I am dealing with.  It is hard for me to see a light.

With all of those factors going on my life right now, I FINALLY realized I have to get better so I can be strong for those suffering around me.  If I did not get better, I would not only be worthless to my family and friends who need me, but also, I will not be the person God intends me to be, to be to share His love.  There have been days when I could not get out of bed because of the overwhelming pain. How could I live for God?  So I was pushed to the point where I have to face it.  I believe God is behind that.

So.  You may wonder how to interact with someone like me, dealing with a similar issue.  It is likely different for each person.  But I do believe you can't ignore it.  I know.  It is SO DIFFICULT to talk about things like this.  And they may blow it off or deny it.  But deep down, they know you care and SEE them.  That makes a difference.  Keep trying.  For me, specifically.  You can talk to me about it.  Obviously, I am being public about this.  I will likely cry.  But, oh well.  Better than hiding my heart like I have for so long.  Hug me if you want.  Or just tell me you are praying for me.  That you are cheering me on.  Ask questions.  I do not mind.  I will be honest.  So be prepared.  But I would rather more people know and be comfortable talking about this type of thing rather than shirking around it.  So maybe, slowly but surely, the idea that this type of struggle is shameful will melt away.  So more people will see the light and feel God's love.