Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Scariest Thing I Will Ever Admit

This is the scariest blog by far.  I did not think I would ever actually make it to this point of writing it.  At least not yet.  Not while I am still in the midst of it.  I was hoping to write this particular blog when I was healed, bright and shiny again.  But it occurred to me today that maybe I can't make it to that point until I finally face it.  So here goes.  My most scary and vulnerable confession yet.

It is my belief I am entrenched in the middle of depression.  Not the "I am sad because my goldfish is sick" sadness, but it hurts to live depression.  I am pretty sure most of you all had that suspicion for awhile.  But I could not admit it to myself.  Until yesterday.  I do not know why yesterday was different.  But, I was finally brave enough to say it to myself, even if I knew it in my head and heart for awhile.  It has been gradual, but I finally have come to the point where I can't deny it anymore.  

I would have good days, and moments where I saw God working.  And would take the opportunity to write a blog to prove I really was okay.  But then another thing would come and push me down again.  I did not want to admit it because I did not want to be a failure.  To put that burden on my family and friends.  Everyone has there own problems.  I was trying to hide it, whether I was good at it or not.  I also admit, this is not the first time I have struggled with depression/anxiety.  It snuck up on me this time, one thing after another.

I will be honest, there are some VERY rough situations going on in my world.  I kept getting angry at God, not understanding why it keeps piling on.  Me feeling things like I do.  He made me.  Why is He doing this to me?  And He rarely would speak to my heart.  So I would just keep going day to day, waiting for Him to change my heart.  To lift the burden.  And so far, He has not.  I think it is because He wants me to come face to face with it, to learn whatever lesson I will.

Here is why I am sharing this with those that read my blog.  I feel so strongly in the Christian world depression and anxiety (both of which I have struggled with at different points in my life) are somewhat of a taboo topic.  Let's be honest, it makes people uncomfortable.  People do not know what to do with those suffering.  And those suffering feel weak, less of a Christian.  But this is wrong and HAS to change.  Yes, it hurts and is uncomfortable.  But you know what?  Most things that do end up meaning the most.  I have to face this.  I am not alone.  I am taking steps to get through this.  I will make it.

But here is the thing.  I would not have decided to take those steps if not for my family pushing me to finally face it.  They probably do not even know they did it.  Now they do.  And to them I am forever grateful.

I hope that anyone that reads this that may have suffered or are suffering will lean on those around you.  Take steps to feel better.  Don't hide it.  You are not shameful.  God made you beautiful.  You can and will be a miracle story to help someone else.  Mine will be.  These blogs show that.  I learn little by little.  

You may wonder how you can help me.  If you read this, it is likely you care about me.  I will tell you.  Specifically pray for me.  Specifically pray for those I love whom I am burdened for.  There is a reason I hurt for them.  I am taking steps to get better.  To be the Lindsay you all know and love. Thank you for being there.  I love you all.